Hang on HERE WE GOOOOOOO!!!!

WOW,  shaping up and shipping out. Well maybe not so much of the shipping out, but getting myself back on track for the shaping up portion.   With the snow clearing getting back into the walking game.  Took Jinger the other day and wow  felt the out of shape,  the little walk and by the time I got home my legs were sore!   What if I had done the long walk?  Not sure I would have made it.  Along with the soreness I have noticed things been too tight again.  My pants etc,  so gotta get back into the swing of things, shake off the winter and get back into action.

Work is well going as well as to be excepted  all the tension and stuff happening seems to have settled down for now, although my supervisor is away for nearly a month,  and the other supervisors are  taking over, including the one I DREAD.  UGH.  I am tough I can get through it. 

 Things have been going relatively smoothly,  some ups and downs but just the basic of life for the most part.   I am learning as of recently that people do really come and go, although I would prefer a few more of them to go, but I wont make the first step.  If they  feel  I do not fit in their lives, I understand that, but I wont be the one to take the first step in pushing out. 

 Looking forward to having tomorrow off,  plan on going for a few walks tomorrow with Jinger,  wishing things weren't so went that I could take her through the Ravine, however,  its just a little to wet, and muddy for that have to stay in the neighbourhood for now.   I am thinking of adding a few things to my exercise routine.  Some situps and perhaps push up,  gotta work on the belly area, and legs.  Strength and tone my arms is also another area I am looking to improve upon.  I am getting into the swing of things and I am raring to go!  So  Hang on peeps  HEEERREEEE WEEE GO!

Sabotage

Sabotage

Sabotage is a big thing in my life right now, in many aspects.  I keep saying I am trying to get my life back on track, and I start out alright and then it goes and happens . . . I do it to myself.   People taking about how other people “sabotage” them, well wont lie I have that and doing it to myself.   

 First off I am trying to save to go to Vegas, so here is an idea,  stop spending.  Sure I have the basics covered, the plane trip, the show I want to see,  the hotel etc etc.  But I can’t seem to save for the rest; I need to stop, I need to fully follow my budget.  Its time I stopped living in the fear and paycheck to paycheck.    That’s my first big issue,   the second is I am sabotaging myself physically. 

I watched a show on TV called LOCKED UP: RAW.  One of the things they said on there is that the inmates were totally dedicated to their exercise, and to their health . . . why because their lives depend on it.  This got me thinking, really how is that different then me?   I mean yes they do run the risk of being stabbed in jail, but how that is different then a crazy person on the street deciding to do the same thing? A person doesn’t have to be in jail for their lives to be put at risk.  I look at things and realized, I have stopped trying to take care of myself, I have stopped caring it seems and it’s not a good thing.  I need to be able to take care of myself, my future.   Not caring about myself and my health is not looking out for my future.     I was given a gift, with the surgery I had, and I can’t let it go to waste.  By not taking care of myself that is what I am doing.

Now I know I have had help with the sabotaging, members of my family are not exactly helping with that,  but the blame is not on them but  my own fault.  Where is my will power, my strength?

I guess I just feel stressed,  an excuse to which I wasn’t going to make any but work is driving me crazy.  One of the sups gave me crap this am, because I came early.  I guess a person is not supposed to be at their desks until 15 minutes before they start.  I guess that blows the whole helping out at the beginning of your shift out of the water.   But then again its this supervisor.  He doesn’t seem to want people to talk to each other, to socialize with each other.  They created a new mission statement for us, who says a fun environment, the way they are going; we are not having that fun environment. 

It’s more then that right now, its some people who are just getting to me.  A friend who had talked big about going to Vegas with my best friend and I.  First idea was when she was with her ex.  They split up, but according to her she was still going, tried to talk to her about it but she never said she was or wasn’t going, just didn’t have a lot of money.   I get that, now she has to work and not make everyone else pay her way.  But she never said a word, and yet I am hearing about how she may be going to Mexico, she needs a vacation . . . from what Partying?  Seriously partying is what she does every night. Its why I don’t hear from her any more. With her ex she was stable for the most part, since he was not into that.  She likes to go to the bar and the clubs.  He never cared for it.  Once the split, since I don’t do that, she doesn’t have time for me.  That’s fine, she can go back to the party animal, I don’t need that.    And right now she is not the only one getting on my nerves.  I am tired of hearing things from other people that just rub me wrong.  Maybe everything lately is rubbing me wrong, I am not sure.  I am not a mushy person so some of it is a bit too mushy for me.  UGH.   I don’t mind a little bit of sweetness here and there but there is a limit to it.     

Maybe its just me,  stressed with the sabotaging myself,  maybe I am reflecting it back towards others, maybe I am not so accepting as I use to be.   Maybe I just really need this vacation and for things to start going right for me.  Not entirely sure but it could be a great deal of a number of things.   The main thing I know is its time I stopped sabotaging myself.

Planning and Thinking . . .

Time for another blog,  perhaps better then the last one,  which was kind of rushed and mixed  thoughts throughout it.  

Life . . . Life has been interesting,  its been having its ups and downs.   Today does feel like more of a down, to be honest.   Working on things in  my mind but yet  its getting fuzzy. 

First off is family,  what is a family?  People who are suppose to support you,  be there for you.  You don’t have to like the person, and its understandable why a person may not want to be there for someone who has abused that.  But gets me is the people who were supported even though they were abusive to those being supportive, and have the nerve to state that  the family has not been there for them.  The same family who saved them from eviction,  or helped them moved  or provided furniture for them,  but no,  they seem to think the world still revolves around them.  To the point they disrespect a elder family member for no reason.  Well with this person I had enough a long time ago, and I wont lie, this person and I have always  fought through the years.  People always thought it was childish of us,  and maybe it was,  however  it always burned me up the idea that no one really seen this person for who they were.  It wasn’t until recently when things came to a head that people are finally seeing why I was the way I was.  And as much as that is a good thing it hurts too.

It hurts because   when I was a child, something happened, and it wasn’t until high school that I finally shared things.  Well family took sides with only one person even remotely acting like they supported me.  They all back this individual, leaving me to feel out of place.   I had a hard decision to make at that time,  was taken out of my home for awhile, place with a family member who should have at least tried to attempt some support to me but didn’t.  I had to decide if I wanted to press charges.  Now I am about my family,  I didn’t want to wreck things with my family  or tear it apart as it already was.  I also wanted to give this person a chance to fore fill a dream.  SO I didn’t do it, I just didn’t want or need any more stress (everything was seeming to crash down around me).   So I said no,  I can’t say I regret it or not,  I just don’t know but this person does not know  the bullet that was dodged.   Nor do I think the care is there.  Now  this person and partner  seem to act like the world owes them, and it drives me up the wall.   No, the world doesn’t and its time to stop being lazy  and get off their butts and do something.      But its more then that,  the whole issue of no one believing me;  now the whole family comments on the way they act,  the way he is and how some personal things should be kept private and not shared with the world or facebook,  things like sex toys should not be visual to people who visit their home or  that drivel should not be posted up on a social networking site.  They may not care what people say but since they are linked to others as family members they are not considering how   their garbage is affecting others.  A person tries hard not to be ashamed by a family member but  some people do not seem to help themselves.  But what gets me is now all the signs are there, the whole no one believed me etc, and its so obvious now.  That is what hurts,  I was so alone when things came out,  and then always felt still alone in my own family.  Now that things just seem a bit more obvious,  I still feel it and yet no one is relating back to  back then to  the way this person obviously is.  Its just frustrating to say the least. 

They say for every step forward  in life there is always two steps back,  lately I have been feeling that way,   I feel like yes I have come so far and yet  being pulled right back.  That the past keeps  showing up to laugh at me.

I am strong I can get through anything, but lately just feeling run down. SO much stuff  I want to do, I want to get done,  but just feel stuck.  The basement is still a mess, waiting for it to get fixed,  dad’s been very sick and just want him to get better instead of just watching him waste away.  I haven’t been exercising due to the tiredness, stress and  people who do not shovel, do not want to risk falling and hurting something with my luck.  Issue at work, stress at work, I wont lie, there is a fear going around that we will be losing our jobs,   not by layoffs but by  stupid little reasons.  Three people have already been suspended for things back in October they knew nothing about,  things that they supposedly did wrong but were told now in February they did.  Does that seem fair not really. But when a new manager comes in and decides to out right try and change a culture of a company with out observing and seeing what works, and not working the change in, but out right doing it,  it killed the moral in this place.   A lot of the people I work with are looking to jump ship.  I honestly considered looking for another job but have decided to wait for now until the other stress goes down a little.  Once I know what is going on with my dad, and honestly after my trip, I can’t guarantee I will get the time off I need for my trip and with the tickets already bought and paid for, I can’t afford to not use them.  I guess I just really need that trip,  I need some away time, time to breath.  I think I am going to need to look into the next step in my life,  I need to start paying off things to save up and move out.  I had wanted previously to move out a year after I finish school but that does not look to  be  the case.  I need to start planning this and doing this,  time to take the next big step.

I really do need to do some planning and thinking

Resolutions

Life:

Wow life lately, been throwing a lot at me.  Be trying to be strong, some days easier then others.  I been thinking about writing this blog for a while but really haven’t had the time or energy to do so.  

I have a lot of things jumbled in my head as to what I want to say here today but at this point I do ask you to bare with me. 

 What I was originally going to write about was resolutions.  Now I never make mine January 1,  because I kind of want to see how the year is starting out,  and really have time to think about things,

I have to say I am glad I waited to think about things.  I take a good look at  my life and realized some things that I have been going wrong with and need to get back onto.

One:  Weight loss, I have not been keeping my food records like I use to do.  I am not exercising like I should be.   This has to get back on track.  Time to start exercising and eating properly again.   No more late night meals unless I am working late;  no more unhealthy snacks and I have noticed my portion sizes are getting way to big.

Two:  Spending/Money:  I am working on paying things off  and then I go and do something stupid and buy when I really don’t need to.  And things got worse with my car needing to have repairs this past month.  This was not cheap and depressed me; just when I feel like I am finally getting ahead.

Other things have been going on, the big one being my dad is pretty sick, so its been hard lately, very very hard. It’s like watching him waste away.

Other things going on relate back to my very first post of thank you(s).   

This has grown into so much more to be honest.    And will in the next little bit lead to another blog post but first honestly I need to take time to well calm down.  The whole situation makes me pretty upset and   shocked at how one person can assume the world revolves around them. 

Three:  I need to  put a focus on my life,  get things going again.  Before  when things went down hill I found a goal and focused on it.   Since I finished school I have not done that and its time I started again.

Four:  Try new things, foods events, activities, it doesn’t matter what. Its time to get out of my shell and grow.  Maybe take a cooking class if I could get it around my schedule. Meet new people.

Now all of this seems like whining and it is,  I know it is,  but something over  comes this for me. I did something  the other day that  really  made me feel good and  was for a good cause.  For the first time I donated blood.  I have been wanting to do it for awhile but well, always made an excuse.  This time through work,   at first it was time off the phones so yeah I took it. But now,  now its like  I did a good thing,  something I been wanting to do, so its  a step in the right direction. 

Will right more when my mind clears up a little

Excuses . . . Excuses . . . Excuses

Excuses . . .  Excuses . . . Excuses

In today’s society  people tend to have  an answer for everything they do,  or say.   For the longest time  I realized yes I had been doing that too,  however . . . it wasn’t until I was sitting in an office at work, waiting to start my one on one did I notice a little  plaque  that had a saying on it that really hit me. 

“The difference between excuses and a reason is:

If I take away a reason you’ll move forward;

If I take away an excuse another will follow”

Now this really got me thinking, too many times anything we say is not really a reason but an excuse.   Does anyone really have  a reason for what they do or has the world become nothing but excuses?  Don’t get me wrong,  I am in with the people who have excuses,  I wont deny it at all.

But first lets take a look at what an excuse is:  Dictionary.com  states that an excuse is:

1. to regard or judge with forgiveness or indulgence; pardon or forgive; overlook (a fault, error, etc.): Excuse his bad manners.


2. To offer an apology for; seek to remove the blame of: He excused his absence by saying that he was ill.


3. To serve as an apology or justification for; justify: Ignorance of the law excuses no one.


4. To release from an obligation or duty: to be excused from jury duty.


5. To seek or obtain exemption or release for (oneself): to excuse oneself from a meeting.

 Now in seeing this definition, some things come to mind,   really how I see an excuse is a idea for not doing something.  In a way, it is like trying to take the blame off of ones self and placing it either onto someone else or an object or anything else.   Excuses come way too  easily  to most people,  they rather  remove blame from themselves instead of  standing up and apologizing for it.  What can people be a real adult and if you made a mistake,  or have a problem  then  don’t make excuses for it.

A reason, as defined by Dictionary.com

1. a basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event, etc.: the reason for declaring war.

2. A statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.

3. The mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences.

4. Sound judgment; good sense.

5. Normal or  sound powers of mind; sanity.

Now a reason is legit, like for example the reason I did not come to work on time was that I feel and broke my ankle.  Now if you removed the broken ankle,   then you would have still came to work on time if you hadn’t.  Sure it would be looked at as an excuse, but it’s a legit one.  An event out of your control caused you to miss something.  Had you purposely broke your own ankle to get out of something, then not only are you crazy but then it becomes an excuse.  

It’s really how you look at it, if done on purpose it could be an excuse, if done by accident, something just happened is it a reason.  I just know that excuse has been used way to much now as ways to get out of things that people do not want to do, or do not want to take the blame for.

Now back to the quote, this quote, I took a good look at and realized that I in fact make way to many excuses.     I realized that I in fact ended to change.  Now this worked out for a short bit, however, then I fell back into the excuse habit again.  But upon recent events, I realized that I hate excuses and its time for this habit to be officially broken.  So once again its back to work on fixing this issue/

Now back to the Thank you topic, been observing this for the past few days and some days are worse then others, you can tell the bad days from the good days for people but then you still have to wonder are they really having a bad day or are they the type that does not say thank you at all.

The Mythical World of Facebook Friends and Family

Ah social networking sites, a good or bad thing?  Really it can go both ways, depending on how you use it.   Using it to keep in touch with family that is far away, or friends you use to go to school with but lost touch, even work buddies, nothing wrong with that.   It also can be a great place to kick back, pay a game or two, or just escape from reality to plow a farm for a period of time.    On the social networking site Face book,   a person can post statuses, or links of things they like, poke a friend, or post on their wall.  It really should all be in good fun.  Seeing pictures from long ago or even recent ones, another way to display those Vacation photos or brag about children.  Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy going on Facebook,  I like to look at photos, play scrabble and a couple other games;  but in actuality   Facebook is like an over grown high school . . . some days, junior high.

I have heard stories of people breaking up over facebook, or killing themselves, or even cyber-bullying, and it makes me wonder really what is this world coming too?  And then there is those people who have the 250 plus friends,  I know some people are out going and I know some people   who are older may  have added everyone they have met in  their life time, but come on really.  Can a person keep in touch with those people?   And forget just the 250 . . . I know people with well over 500.   Do you really know all of those people, really how many have you met?

Me, I have 126 people on my list as of this morning, 10 I have not met.  One yes is for games, two are family members I have not met, but talk to through PMs.  A couple are friends of my best friends, was put on for games but find their statuses interesting and such.  So out of my whole list, I know about 87% of the people.    I wont lie, a few of them are only on my list because they are family and even a few are on my list because they are “friends” (another paragraph, will continue with that thought).

 Now facebook is one of those things that you can’t make everyone happy, changed settings, change appearance.   People post rants and articles that they want to share nothing wrong with that.  Have relationship fights and post stuff up that really should be kept quiet.  Now really when did facebook start to rule our lives?  

I remember when I first joined facebook, and how I said I wouldn’t hang out there a lot, now I find myself on it way to much, it’s even on my PHONE!  I say enough, I am challenging myself to taking some time off of it.  I will take a couple of days to finish up a few games of scrabble with  some people,  and sent out a message or two to people who I talk to but only on facebook, giving them other means of getting a hold  of me,  but I am going to challenge myself for  a week of no facebook.  I am sure its not going to be easy but  it is not the way I want to live.

Now in the same regards to facebook,   there are people on my list that really I would love to remove,  either have nothing to do with or just  tired of the garbage they post.  Yes I could just block the stuff, but these people have made it very clear where there I stand with them.  One not even important enough to go to my grad or my birthday party ( a new GF got in the way).  The other   wasn’t even a friend enough to support me when a family member died.  With the claim of, I was too depressing (hello uncle died) and she was doing one of those FML   things (repetitively with claims she was homeless etc (she wasn’t but things have to look worse to gain attention)).   And then after she had already told me she was going to drive me to the funeral, she never showed.  She never called, good thing I drive and can take myself.    I wasn’t supposed to know this; a friend slipped up and told me.  There are even a few family members I would like to remove but I don’t want to rock the boat so to speak, I do not want to cause issue and such.  Issues because friends are suppose to except each other’s faults but how much abuse does a person need to take?

On a separate note regarding the thank you post; Sunday    I was shocked, going into Wal-Mart, I got thank you(s) everywhere . . . and it was Wal-Mart.  Going into a few other stores again thank you(s); but once the week started it has all gone down hill from there . . .   brings to mind the idea  is saying “Thank you”  too difficult to do,  or are we just to stuck up to be polite ?

Ninety - Nine Things

99 things....

Here are the rules:

Bold the things you’ve done and post this list on your blog then leave me a comment and tell me you did this I can go see. I bet this has gone around the blog world already, so if you've done it, let me know.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld
8. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Written something that was published
11. Bungee jumped or parachuted
12. Walked across the Golden Gate Bridge
13. Been in a fist fight
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Seen the Rings of Saturn with a telescope
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when not ill
24. Built a tree house or snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Fired a gun
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Visited the Leaning Tower of Pisa
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal
44. Visited Africa
45. Cried yourself to sleep
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Visited the Eiffel Tower
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Pretended you cooked something from scratch when you didn't
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie or commercial
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold something door to door
62. Gone whale or dolphin watching
64. Donated blood, marrow, etc
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Held onto a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten frog legs or caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Time Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been let go from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Done something illegal
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Sang a solo
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Climbed a mountain
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had surgery
89. Directly saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Seen a loved one die
94. Given birth to a baby
95. Visited the Alamo
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Sent a text message while driving
99. Been stung by a bee