Sabotage

Sabotage

Sabotage is a big thing in my life right now, in many aspects.  I keep saying I am trying to get my life back on track, and I start out alright and then it goes and happens . . . I do it to myself.   People taking about how other people “sabotage” them, well wont lie I have that and doing it to myself.   

 First off I am trying to save to go to Vegas, so here is an idea,  stop spending.  Sure I have the basics covered, the plane trip, the show I want to see,  the hotel etc etc.  But I can’t seem to save for the rest; I need to stop, I need to fully follow my budget.  Its time I stopped living in the fear and paycheck to paycheck.    That’s my first big issue,   the second is I am sabotaging myself physically. 

I watched a show on TV called LOCKED UP: RAW.  One of the things they said on there is that the inmates were totally dedicated to their exercise, and to their health . . . why because their lives depend on it.  This got me thinking, really how is that different then me?   I mean yes they do run the risk of being stabbed in jail, but how that is different then a crazy person on the street deciding to do the same thing? A person doesn’t have to be in jail for their lives to be put at risk.  I look at things and realized, I have stopped trying to take care of myself, I have stopped caring it seems and it’s not a good thing.  I need to be able to take care of myself, my future.   Not caring about myself and my health is not looking out for my future.     I was given a gift, with the surgery I had, and I can’t let it go to waste.  By not taking care of myself that is what I am doing.

Now I know I have had help with the sabotaging, members of my family are not exactly helping with that,  but the blame is not on them but  my own fault.  Where is my will power, my strength?

I guess I just feel stressed,  an excuse to which I wasn’t going to make any but work is driving me crazy.  One of the sups gave me crap this am, because I came early.  I guess a person is not supposed to be at their desks until 15 minutes before they start.  I guess that blows the whole helping out at the beginning of your shift out of the water.   But then again its this supervisor.  He doesn’t seem to want people to talk to each other, to socialize with each other.  They created a new mission statement for us, who says a fun environment, the way they are going; we are not having that fun environment. 

It’s more then that right now, its some people who are just getting to me.  A friend who had talked big about going to Vegas with my best friend and I.  First idea was when she was with her ex.  They split up, but according to her she was still going, tried to talk to her about it but she never said she was or wasn’t going, just didn’t have a lot of money.   I get that, now she has to work and not make everyone else pay her way.  But she never said a word, and yet I am hearing about how she may be going to Mexico, she needs a vacation . . . from what Partying?  Seriously partying is what she does every night. Its why I don’t hear from her any more. With her ex she was stable for the most part, since he was not into that.  She likes to go to the bar and the clubs.  He never cared for it.  Once the split, since I don’t do that, she doesn’t have time for me.  That’s fine, she can go back to the party animal, I don’t need that.    And right now she is not the only one getting on my nerves.  I am tired of hearing things from other people that just rub me wrong.  Maybe everything lately is rubbing me wrong, I am not sure.  I am not a mushy person so some of it is a bit too mushy for me.  UGH.   I don’t mind a little bit of sweetness here and there but there is a limit to it.     

Maybe its just me,  stressed with the sabotaging myself,  maybe I am reflecting it back towards others, maybe I am not so accepting as I use to be.   Maybe I just really need this vacation and for things to start going right for me.  Not entirely sure but it could be a great deal of a number of things.   The main thing I know is its time I stopped sabotaging myself.