Planning and Thinking . . .

Time for another blog,  perhaps better then the last one,  which was kind of rushed and mixed  thoughts throughout it.  

Life . . . Life has been interesting,  its been having its ups and downs.   Today does feel like more of a down, to be honest.   Working on things in  my mind but yet  its getting fuzzy. 

First off is family,  what is a family?  People who are suppose to support you,  be there for you.  You don’t have to like the person, and its understandable why a person may not want to be there for someone who has abused that.  But gets me is the people who were supported even though they were abusive to those being supportive, and have the nerve to state that  the family has not been there for them.  The same family who saved them from eviction,  or helped them moved  or provided furniture for them,  but no,  they seem to think the world still revolves around them.  To the point they disrespect a elder family member for no reason.  Well with this person I had enough a long time ago, and I wont lie, this person and I have always  fought through the years.  People always thought it was childish of us,  and maybe it was,  however  it always burned me up the idea that no one really seen this person for who they were.  It wasn’t until recently when things came to a head that people are finally seeing why I was the way I was.  And as much as that is a good thing it hurts too.

It hurts because   when I was a child, something happened, and it wasn’t until high school that I finally shared things.  Well family took sides with only one person even remotely acting like they supported me.  They all back this individual, leaving me to feel out of place.   I had a hard decision to make at that time,  was taken out of my home for awhile, place with a family member who should have at least tried to attempt some support to me but didn’t.  I had to decide if I wanted to press charges.  Now I am about my family,  I didn’t want to wreck things with my family  or tear it apart as it already was.  I also wanted to give this person a chance to fore fill a dream.  SO I didn’t do it, I just didn’t want or need any more stress (everything was seeming to crash down around me).   So I said no,  I can’t say I regret it or not,  I just don’t know but this person does not know  the bullet that was dodged.   Nor do I think the care is there.  Now  this person and partner  seem to act like the world owes them, and it drives me up the wall.   No, the world doesn’t and its time to stop being lazy  and get off their butts and do something.      But its more then that,  the whole issue of no one believing me;  now the whole family comments on the way they act,  the way he is and how some personal things should be kept private and not shared with the world or facebook,  things like sex toys should not be visual to people who visit their home or  that drivel should not be posted up on a social networking site.  They may not care what people say but since they are linked to others as family members they are not considering how   their garbage is affecting others.  A person tries hard not to be ashamed by a family member but  some people do not seem to help themselves.  But what gets me is now all the signs are there, the whole no one believed me etc, and its so obvious now.  That is what hurts,  I was so alone when things came out,  and then always felt still alone in my own family.  Now that things just seem a bit more obvious,  I still feel it and yet no one is relating back to  back then to  the way this person obviously is.  Its just frustrating to say the least. 

They say for every step forward  in life there is always two steps back,  lately I have been feeling that way,   I feel like yes I have come so far and yet  being pulled right back.  That the past keeps  showing up to laugh at me.

I am strong I can get through anything, but lately just feeling run down. SO much stuff  I want to do, I want to get done,  but just feel stuck.  The basement is still a mess, waiting for it to get fixed,  dad’s been very sick and just want him to get better instead of just watching him waste away.  I haven’t been exercising due to the tiredness, stress and  people who do not shovel, do not want to risk falling and hurting something with my luck.  Issue at work, stress at work, I wont lie, there is a fear going around that we will be losing our jobs,   not by layoffs but by  stupid little reasons.  Three people have already been suspended for things back in October they knew nothing about,  things that they supposedly did wrong but were told now in February they did.  Does that seem fair not really. But when a new manager comes in and decides to out right try and change a culture of a company with out observing and seeing what works, and not working the change in, but out right doing it,  it killed the moral in this place.   A lot of the people I work with are looking to jump ship.  I honestly considered looking for another job but have decided to wait for now until the other stress goes down a little.  Once I know what is going on with my dad, and honestly after my trip, I can’t guarantee I will get the time off I need for my trip and with the tickets already bought and paid for, I can’t afford to not use them.  I guess I just really need that trip,  I need some away time, time to breath.  I think I am going to need to look into the next step in my life,  I need to start paying off things to save up and move out.  I had wanted previously to move out a year after I finish school but that does not look to  be  the case.  I need to start planning this and doing this,  time to take the next big step.

I really do need to do some planning and thinking