Neither Hung up or bitter: CLOSURE
It’s been over eight years since my ex and I split… eight full years of growth and through these years I have done a lot of thinking. Now back story with me and my ex. I had been single (had some past issues) and a friend set us up. Now originally she wanted to set me up with my ex’s best friend. My Ex we will call him D, was single at the time, just having gotten out of a one year relationship with a girl. We started to go out, the shallow part of me thought he had a nice body, someone interested in me who wasn’t what I predicted I would date. (Especially since I was a larger girl I predicted I would date a bigger man) so to date someone at that time with Muscles was a total shock to me. I wont lie he was the first man I slept with, something I do regret. Anyways, I wont lie through out the relationship I seen the other side to things, however I accept people for who they are, flaws and all. I accepted him even though there was a ton of things that bothered me, or hurt me. We got engaged, although even in the engagement I felt that I was settling. That I couldn’t find better or no one else would want me, so hang onto what you got, sort of ideal. Things in the relationship were not good; I made all the effort, I carried him, and took care of him. I was the reliable responsible one, he wasn’t and it was stressful for me. When we split, I again wont lie, I felt destroyed, even though inside it felt like a blessing. It was all I knew and with no self esteem believes that no one else would want me flaws and all.
It’s been eight and a half years since then; a little longer then that since he called off the wedding (six months before it). I dated one person since then just after the split up for all of 3 weeks before those things got a little crazy. Now since then I have had the time to think about things. Don’t get me wrong I still feel like I don’t deserve someone good to me; but I try.
Many people believe that since I haven’t dated, I am still hung up on my ex. I’m not, its been a long road, and I have used that time to work on me. I got a Degree, I lost some weight (especially with the idea that I don’t find me attractive who else would). I worked on myself. I found my own personal faults and worked on those. I did it for me in the end. But in the end it always comes down to the same thing, I must be bitter or hung up on.). Look at it this way, my ex was my first boyfriend, the first person I slept with, really he was the one that gave me my first impression of this world really. That impression in the end was not good. Now its not really comparing but it’s a uncertainty as well as insecurity regarding how to be in a relationship.
When things started to break down between him and I; I never knew it was coming. There was a lot of issues, such as the fact that he was working (if you can call it working) and I wasn’t, But reason for that was for the longest time I worked and he did not do anything but sleep all day. When he started working at Lilydale he told me to take some time off, not work, since I had done it for so long (working since I was 12, evenings weekends, holidays etc). So I did, but soon got restless… he didn’t want me to work, so I didn’t. Well I did get one job, but I couldn’t bring myself to go, I kept getting sick. Then Jan 2004 I got another job working at a Shell…. I worked two days kept getting sick and finally went to the doctor. Where a diagnoses of a life time changed my life. I was diagnosed with OCD and Agoraphobia. Now the OCD I could handle but the Agoraphobia made a whole lot of sense. When my ex and I were splitting he used this practically as an excuse. Saying that I know had an excuse for my bad work ethic.. (Like he was one to talk since I had to force him to go to work). Another he used against me at this time was that I was told I may not be able to have kids. At the time he used plenty against me. An old nickname for me used to be mother… why because I tended to take care of people. Well he was a severe asthmatic, I made sure he had his meds, etc, and the only thing I asked him to do was quit smoking. Seriously he smoked so much, so he took to hiding it (like I didn’t know) including smoking in my car (which had never been smoked in until he did it… or smoking in our bathroom, like we couldn’t tell, or he didn’t burn the seat or the floor. Really… sigh. The one thing I asked and he couldn’t even do that for me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I learned the hard way.
Now I recently learned/heard that he is telling people that since I have not dated since we split I must be hung up on him. Although I know that is not the case and it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, it is starting to go around that way. I can’t maintain an average relationship with someone because I compare them all to him. (Not sure really how that works, since really everything I want in a guy, is the total opposite to him. So yes if I am comparing it’s to find the opposite of him).
I wont lie I haven’t had sex in 9 ½ years since with him it felt like a chore and with a guy who hated to shower and bath (had plenty of excuses regarding why he didn’t shower and bath etc). Just so many things, that no never going back to that and want the best for me… I want someone who is my friend too.
