Sabotage

Sabotage

Sabotage is a big thing in my life right now, in many aspects.  I keep saying I am trying to get my life back on track, and I start out alright and then it goes and happens . . . I do it to myself.   People taking about how other people “sabotage” them, well wont lie I have that and doing it to myself.   

 First off I am trying to save to go to Vegas, so here is an idea,  stop spending.  Sure I have the basics covered, the plane trip, the show I want to see,  the hotel etc etc.  But I can’t seem to save for the rest; I need to stop, I need to fully follow my budget.  Its time I stopped living in the fear and paycheck to paycheck.    That’s my first big issue,   the second is I am sabotaging myself physically. 

I watched a show on TV called LOCKED UP: RAW.  One of the things they said on there is that the inmates were totally dedicated to their exercise, and to their health . . . why because their lives depend on it.  This got me thinking, really how is that different then me?   I mean yes they do run the risk of being stabbed in jail, but how that is different then a crazy person on the street deciding to do the same thing? A person doesn’t have to be in jail for their lives to be put at risk.  I look at things and realized, I have stopped trying to take care of myself, I have stopped caring it seems and it’s not a good thing.  I need to be able to take care of myself, my future.   Not caring about myself and my health is not looking out for my future.     I was given a gift, with the surgery I had, and I can’t let it go to waste.  By not taking care of myself that is what I am doing.

Now I know I have had help with the sabotaging, members of my family are not exactly helping with that,  but the blame is not on them but  my own fault.  Where is my will power, my strength?

I guess I just feel stressed,  an excuse to which I wasn’t going to make any but work is driving me crazy.  One of the sups gave me crap this am, because I came early.  I guess a person is not supposed to be at their desks until 15 minutes before they start.  I guess that blows the whole helping out at the beginning of your shift out of the water.   But then again its this supervisor.  He doesn’t seem to want people to talk to each other, to socialize with each other.  They created a new mission statement for us, who says a fun environment, the way they are going; we are not having that fun environment. 

It’s more then that right now, its some people who are just getting to me.  A friend who had talked big about going to Vegas with my best friend and I.  First idea was when she was with her ex.  They split up, but according to her she was still going, tried to talk to her about it but she never said she was or wasn’t going, just didn’t have a lot of money.   I get that, now she has to work and not make everyone else pay her way.  But she never said a word, and yet I am hearing about how she may be going to Mexico, she needs a vacation . . . from what Partying?  Seriously partying is what she does every night. Its why I don’t hear from her any more. With her ex she was stable for the most part, since he was not into that.  She likes to go to the bar and the clubs.  He never cared for it.  Once the split, since I don’t do that, she doesn’t have time for me.  That’s fine, she can go back to the party animal, I don’t need that.    And right now she is not the only one getting on my nerves.  I am tired of hearing things from other people that just rub me wrong.  Maybe everything lately is rubbing me wrong, I am not sure.  I am not a mushy person so some of it is a bit too mushy for me.  UGH.   I don’t mind a little bit of sweetness here and there but there is a limit to it.     

Maybe its just me,  stressed with the sabotaging myself,  maybe I am reflecting it back towards others, maybe I am not so accepting as I use to be.   Maybe I just really need this vacation and for things to start going right for me.  Not entirely sure but it could be a great deal of a number of things.   The main thing I know is its time I stopped sabotaging myself.

Planning and Thinking . . .

Time for another blog,  perhaps better then the last one,  which was kind of rushed and mixed  thoughts throughout it.  

Life . . . Life has been interesting,  its been having its ups and downs.   Today does feel like more of a down, to be honest.   Working on things in  my mind but yet  its getting fuzzy. 

First off is family,  what is a family?  People who are suppose to support you,  be there for you.  You don’t have to like the person, and its understandable why a person may not want to be there for someone who has abused that.  But gets me is the people who were supported even though they were abusive to those being supportive, and have the nerve to state that  the family has not been there for them.  The same family who saved them from eviction,  or helped them moved  or provided furniture for them,  but no,  they seem to think the world still revolves around them.  To the point they disrespect a elder family member for no reason.  Well with this person I had enough a long time ago, and I wont lie, this person and I have always  fought through the years.  People always thought it was childish of us,  and maybe it was,  however  it always burned me up the idea that no one really seen this person for who they were.  It wasn’t until recently when things came to a head that people are finally seeing why I was the way I was.  And as much as that is a good thing it hurts too.

It hurts because   when I was a child, something happened, and it wasn’t until high school that I finally shared things.  Well family took sides with only one person even remotely acting like they supported me.  They all back this individual, leaving me to feel out of place.   I had a hard decision to make at that time,  was taken out of my home for awhile, place with a family member who should have at least tried to attempt some support to me but didn’t.  I had to decide if I wanted to press charges.  Now I am about my family,  I didn’t want to wreck things with my family  or tear it apart as it already was.  I also wanted to give this person a chance to fore fill a dream.  SO I didn’t do it, I just didn’t want or need any more stress (everything was seeming to crash down around me).   So I said no,  I can’t say I regret it or not,  I just don’t know but this person does not know  the bullet that was dodged.   Nor do I think the care is there.  Now  this person and partner  seem to act like the world owes them, and it drives me up the wall.   No, the world doesn’t and its time to stop being lazy  and get off their butts and do something.      But its more then that,  the whole issue of no one believing me;  now the whole family comments on the way they act,  the way he is and how some personal things should be kept private and not shared with the world or facebook,  things like sex toys should not be visual to people who visit their home or  that drivel should not be posted up on a social networking site.  They may not care what people say but since they are linked to others as family members they are not considering how   their garbage is affecting others.  A person tries hard not to be ashamed by a family member but  some people do not seem to help themselves.  But what gets me is now all the signs are there, the whole no one believed me etc, and its so obvious now.  That is what hurts,  I was so alone when things came out,  and then always felt still alone in my own family.  Now that things just seem a bit more obvious,  I still feel it and yet no one is relating back to  back then to  the way this person obviously is.  Its just frustrating to say the least. 

They say for every step forward  in life there is always two steps back,  lately I have been feeling that way,   I feel like yes I have come so far and yet  being pulled right back.  That the past keeps  showing up to laugh at me.

I am strong I can get through anything, but lately just feeling run down. SO much stuff  I want to do, I want to get done,  but just feel stuck.  The basement is still a mess, waiting for it to get fixed,  dad’s been very sick and just want him to get better instead of just watching him waste away.  I haven’t been exercising due to the tiredness, stress and  people who do not shovel, do not want to risk falling and hurting something with my luck.  Issue at work, stress at work, I wont lie, there is a fear going around that we will be losing our jobs,   not by layoffs but by  stupid little reasons.  Three people have already been suspended for things back in October they knew nothing about,  things that they supposedly did wrong but were told now in February they did.  Does that seem fair not really. But when a new manager comes in and decides to out right try and change a culture of a company with out observing and seeing what works, and not working the change in, but out right doing it,  it killed the moral in this place.   A lot of the people I work with are looking to jump ship.  I honestly considered looking for another job but have decided to wait for now until the other stress goes down a little.  Once I know what is going on with my dad, and honestly after my trip, I can’t guarantee I will get the time off I need for my trip and with the tickets already bought and paid for, I can’t afford to not use them.  I guess I just really need that trip,  I need some away time, time to breath.  I think I am going to need to look into the next step in my life,  I need to start paying off things to save up and move out.  I had wanted previously to move out a year after I finish school but that does not look to  be  the case.  I need to start planning this and doing this,  time to take the next big step.

I really do need to do some planning and thinking

Resolutions

Life:

Wow life lately, been throwing a lot at me.  Be trying to be strong, some days easier then others.  I been thinking about writing this blog for a while but really haven’t had the time or energy to do so.  

I have a lot of things jumbled in my head as to what I want to say here today but at this point I do ask you to bare with me. 

 What I was originally going to write about was resolutions.  Now I never make mine January 1,  because I kind of want to see how the year is starting out,  and really have time to think about things,

I have to say I am glad I waited to think about things.  I take a good look at  my life and realized some things that I have been going wrong with and need to get back onto.

One:  Weight loss, I have not been keeping my food records like I use to do.  I am not exercising like I should be.   This has to get back on track.  Time to start exercising and eating properly again.   No more late night meals unless I am working late;  no more unhealthy snacks and I have noticed my portion sizes are getting way to big.

Two:  Spending/Money:  I am working on paying things off  and then I go and do something stupid and buy when I really don’t need to.  And things got worse with my car needing to have repairs this past month.  This was not cheap and depressed me; just when I feel like I am finally getting ahead.

Other things have been going on, the big one being my dad is pretty sick, so its been hard lately, very very hard. It’s like watching him waste away.

Other things going on relate back to my very first post of thank you(s).   

This has grown into so much more to be honest.    And will in the next little bit lead to another blog post but first honestly I need to take time to well calm down.  The whole situation makes me pretty upset and   shocked at how one person can assume the world revolves around them. 

Three:  I need to  put a focus on my life,  get things going again.  Before  when things went down hill I found a goal and focused on it.   Since I finished school I have not done that and its time I started again.

Four:  Try new things, foods events, activities, it doesn’t matter what. Its time to get out of my shell and grow.  Maybe take a cooking class if I could get it around my schedule. Meet new people.

Now all of this seems like whining and it is,  I know it is,  but something over  comes this for me. I did something  the other day that  really  made me feel good and  was for a good cause.  For the first time I donated blood.  I have been wanting to do it for awhile but well, always made an excuse.  This time through work,   at first it was time off the phones so yeah I took it. But now,  now its like  I did a good thing,  something I been wanting to do, so its  a step in the right direction. 

Will right more when my mind clears up a little