Frusration

Can frustration really get to a person, pretty sure it can, when will I learn to keep my mouth shut and not speak to anyone at work. Since speaking to anyone, has them treat me poorly. I asked if a coworker experienced the same thing I did this morning with the snow workers putting down dirt on unplowed roads. She goes I am coming from Legal (an area out of town). As if that said it all, first off you choose to live out there, second, not my problem. She goes its north of here, and I said so like fort sask or Leduc or Gunn area, since I am not good with those directions. She goes North Leduc is south; I looked at her and went, I am not good with that type of directions. Not everyone is, I am a land mark type of person. Hell the area I grew up in use to be known as the south side until it grew and they have the new south side where South commons is. My coworkers have made it very clear where I stand with them. Like the other day they were all talking about an Elvis movie, and they couldn’t remember the name of it. One person stated well ask Treena, but did they no, they went to everyone else and didn’t ask me, didn’t include me in the conversation or anything. Hell they act like it’s a pain when the whole group is talking and I join the conversation and everything I say is a hardship. I am sick of it, even my supervisor gives me that impression. Nothing I say to anyone seems important enough so I wonder why I bother to talk at all. People do not remember what I say; they show no interest in what I am saying so why bother speaking at all. Will have to do a facebook clean up from my work co workers. Enough is enough

ASHAMED!

I will never understand people any more; and I have never been so disgusted about anything in my life as I am about this. There were pictures showing a Halloween party and one of those pictures has a person dressed as a drag Hitler…. In this picture two people are doing the Nazi salute… I mean really when did this become an acceptable thing? When did it become something we can joke about? I did report it but the site Admins think its ok, it’s not a hate symbol> HELLO it’s the KING of hate symbols. What is wrong with people to day and especially the youth that they would even begin to think that this sort of thing is acceptable! Is it because they never lived through such horrors? Well neither did I but I know it’s not appropriate at all. Don’t get me wrong Hitler did some good for people, but his crimes were not something to celebrate; and should not be used in that matter. Maybe it’s because these people never really finished school or focused on what they were learning. Not paying attention in social class to know Hitler was no joke. What he did to those people was no joke… If a celebrity did what these people did in those photos there would be a huge public outcry… so why does this person think its ok? And why did other people find it a joke. I mean really people come on. Hitler was no joke. I am totally ashamed to say the one person in the photo was family… (Although this person was not dressed up as that) the idea was still that they found it acceptable. I am really scared for the future of our society

Cinderella

So as I previous mentioned my dad wants me to do more things around the house. Well I already do a ton, but like the hell he would notice. Now this shift I am on the 7 am to 3:30 shift. To not be late I leave the house by 5 am. Now seriously....SERIOUSLY I can't do the dishes in the Am, no one is up. Well came home after enough crap at work today and My mom got the water ready to do the breakfast dishes but I did them, and she then asks "Are you taking the dog for a walk?" I had said no because I had already been later then normal thanks to being stuck at work and a late bus. I still had the dishes to do, the garbage to do and the recycle... then its like I should take her, since she threw in a load of laundry in the wash and I had to wait to shower anyways. Managed to do all that and come home, to shower, managed to eat supper at 6... which I hate and oh yeah Do the supper dishes. What did my mom do, came home and made lunches (I never asked her to make mine, she just cuts up my veggies etc, but i never asked and have already told her many times she didn't have to do it). Make my dad's lunch since if she doesn't he wont eat; fried up some sausages and reheated some pasta for supper..... yup that is it. ME, I came home did the dishes twice, the garbage, recycle, kitty litter, I am up and out the door before them and I am doing the crap. If i am home before them I get well why didn't you make tea... Oh and she said to me on that she is thinking about getting me to stop at subway on the way home on Friday; first off I already told her I am driving to work on Friday and second I don't want to stop, the construction in that area is horrible and people are driving like idiots because of the massive construction at the all. SHe has only been hinting all week about wanting me to pick her up watermelon etc. I never get paid back for this stuff. At the most what she picks me up is usually slurpees; and I Have told her many times before not to pick me up the other stuff. I have even complained on here about the feeling that she is sabotaging me ARGGGGH

A bunch of rambles

Well, probably should learn to keep my mouth shut before I get in trouble again. But things can be so frusrated. Things have been really busy, and stressful and yet they will allow people who are not here all the time and have less experience to be in a supportive role. It has a frusrated a lot of us who are feeling run down by the busyness. At the same time I was talking to another person about an icident that happened and I got in trouble for but really I was doing my job; and this same person who is the person who gets the supporting role, over heard. Now I know she doesn't like me, but I don't care. It isn't right she gets a favortism role and the rest of us are working are butts off for her to not have too. Actually there are a lot of unfair practices right now but i guess life isn't fair is it. Things are going ok I guess, feeling a bit overwhelm trying to get ready for nano and even just feel like I have a ton to do. Yet I don't actually have a lot to do. It feels like there is new drama every day and I would love to just get away from it all. A day or two anything really. Work we are doing a change over soon; will be starting training again which will be interesting. I do look forward to it, but i hate the learning part. What else is going on in my life; well family still fighting; I still have nothing to do with my "sibling and his wife". The more I hear about them the more frusrated I get, they complain about money and get out to eat all the time. They want to have kids (heaven help us if they do) and tell people to give them money for artifical insemination. So many things, they expect people to take care of them or to hand them things. Even like their apartment buliding is having a person come into the buliding to spray for ants.... they complained first about where they are going to go for 4 hours with their cat as well as wanting people to come over and help them clean before the guy comes. How many times do people ahve to go over there to help them clean. Are they not suppose to be adults and clean up after themselves. I know I am not the cleanest person, but I will never get to that extent, it will drive me nuts.... Which leads me into the next thing; I was told I needed to start helping my mom out more around the house. Now frig I already do a ton of stuff, while my dad sits on his ass and never helps her... I should start doing more dishes, I should start doing this and that. This last rent, I did more then I normally do and yet my rent was higher then normal, its getting frusrating. But then its not the first thing we have argued over this week Oh and if i hear my mom say I am moody and emotional one more time I will scream. She doesn't understand a perosn can get frurated or she pushes too much and it drives me nuts. Or even I would like some privacy, doesn't see any of that. Other then that, thats a bit off my mind, in no real order at all.....

It's been two years

Today it has been two years; a shocking two years…. My uncle Dave passed away two years ago today.   Now I do say shocking although   at one time it wouldn’t have been so shocking, given that he was a drug addict.  

Through my whole life my uncle did drugs, even pot here and there, went into other stuff but always went back to the pot.    I seen the problems it caused my whole family, the stress it put on my grandparents and even my parents.  Holidays with my mom worrying about him, where ever he was hoping he was ok, and getting a good meal.    I wont lie he pissed me off after my grandma died.   I was suppose to live with my grandparents however that changed when she passed and my grandfather to help out my uncle for my grams sake,   allowed him to live there. He was supposed to pay rent, he was supposed to help out and take care of it.    That never happened,   my grandfather fell and hurt himself my uncle was no where around.   When he passed away I found my grandfather on the floor of his dining room, he had been there over night. Now don’t get me wrong,   he would have passed away anyways, but he would not have been there over night, and I would not have found him.

Now it took a big incident for my uncle to clean up his life, getting the help and treatment he needed.  The thing was he was two… maybe three years clean when it happened.  He passed away in his sleep, they say a diabetic coma.   Although they found traces of morphine in his system etc, which shouldn’t have been there; supposedly he died clean.  Now, my mom and aunt can say he died clean and they can accept that. I don’t.      But now it’s been two years since he passed… and to me I am still shocked.

There have been many issues with it already.  My mom had posted up on his memory wall on face book, how she use to worry about him on holidays not knowing where he was.  My aunt replied that she never worried; she knew where he was, supposedly at her house.  This pissed me off,   she allowed my mom to worry with out calling her to let her know, or even making him call… I mean the respect of that.  But then again, my aunt has been a type of person where it’s all about her; unless it benefits her why would she do it.  

Now where I am leading with this is also really about drugs; as I said my uncle was always doing drugs, and it always went back to pot. SO when people say its not addicting, or it’s not that bad, it does piss me off.  Really then why do you feel you have to do it?  It is addicting, or else it wouldn’t be something you need to unwind etc etc.  My one friend posts up crap all the time about it, and even the benefits of it; sorry I will never believe something that is equal to four smokes lowers my risk of cancer.  Not on your life; nor will I ever like the smell, or the way people act on it. I seen enough crap and honestly no I don’t see the big like for it.  This same friend is the one who hates people supposedly preaching about religion etc, at the same time she preaches about pot.

To me the whole thing is childish, and really something people should have out grown.  But then I have noticed a lot of things lately that just seem so immature.  One example is the vandalism I seen lately. Now don’t get me wrong it is probably teens etc, but it’s not all teens.    I arrived at my bus shelter the other day to see it shattered.  All I could think of is that, this is not he first time this has happened and if they keep it up, we will lose the shelter.   There is a lot of this going around, and I wonder when we seem to back track from adult hood and maturity to being a child?  Is the stress of today’s word too much to take?  If that is the case what will happen to the kids of today?  They worry so much about their self esteem, and that, they don’t want to give them tests.   They discourage competitiveness; heck some places removed foot ball and other sports from schools because kids might get hurt.  What is going on with this world today? Are we so sensitive and over protective that we can’t allow kids to be kids any more? I had exams and such in school.  I played sports, it is a part of life, and with out it are we really doing the kids any good or setting them up for failure?

Frusration.....

Been a short bit since my last post but had some time to think.  Now I haven't done so well on the cleaning out the friends list thing, but slowly working through it.  Some people are harder to get rid of then others, just because I don't want to deal with the backlash that would come with the removal, even though face book doesn't represent real life.  I have been finding myself ignore more and more things on there, people and their comments etc, which is a huge achievement for me and just playing a few games. Nothing major but just to relax myself;  Criminal case,  backgammon, scrabble, and a game called odd socks which really is matching socks out of a dryer¦ something I hate doing  in person.    Anyways there has been this one thing that has been bothering me and I can't ignore it.  

Especially when one friend keeps posting this garbage up; she posts up things about how people treat other people and suck 

"From this point on I'm going to treat people exactly how they treat me. Some should be glad. Others should be scared". 

Now this bothers me especially coming from this person.    I mean really how she knows that perhaps people got to that point to her long ago and had decided to dish back to her the same treatment she has been handing out for YEARS.  I mean she is a tough love gal, and I do get that but really there is a time to soften things sometimes.   The last time we spoke she bit my head off, because I offered her help and honestly through the years she has always bit my head off.  She states she has more life experience then me; if you call doing drugs, drinking all the time, Partying and sleeping around etc life experience, I think I will skip those lessons.  I can't say she makes the best choices all the time; but I will never say my choices are better then anyone's.  Just because I do not like something doesn't make it the right choice.  Now  I have know this person a long time, and  through all those times she  doesn't exactly tell the truth when she tells stories;  and I just agree to go  not cause problems since I know her well enough and I know my saying anything would do just that cause issues. 

Now I have been pretty sick, and I did mention it to her, and I got she would be coming to see me etc

. well that never happened, went to a party instead.   She is upset because she thought my dog barked and nipped at her dog.  Which did not happen,   my dog was beside me, she had her back turned let her dog (although on a leash) run and her little dog snapped etc at mine.   I had tried to pull my back but she did bark back, thinking that dog was playing; why because that is how our little dogs do play.   

It is stuff like that; I took her out for dinner for my birthday; and through the meal she proceeded to point out my flaws and what I do wrong in life.   How I really shouldn't care about my parents feelings, and stuff about my mom hurting etc.  That may be her but I am a family person so yes my mom being upset at something going on in the family is an issue.  Or over all something going on in the family are a big deal and not no  big deal¦ not your problem as she stated 

She always talks about how much her family hates her etc, or her gram hated her, and all I can think no kidding with that attitude you give off. I can totally see why they hate you.  Stop acting like your so cool and better then everyone.      

Things got to the last straw, many promises made and non kept and I hate that; down right sick of it.   

So to her statement yes I got to that point, I am treating you how you been treating me for years.  Don't like it not my issue; all your work issues etc, your co workers hate you etc, are your own doing, stop giving the attitude and perhaps you would make friends of them. 

Now that little one was not the only one she posted but posted up one saying  

"nothing is nicer then having someone who appreciates you in the smallest things. Accepts you in times of hardships. Comforts you when you're in trouble.  Loves you no matter what and is simply happy having you in their life." 

 Now don't get me wrong I could say that about people, but around her I just can't.  She brings me down, makes me feel horrible about myself every time.  And I really can't say offers any comforts. The only thing you will ever get from her is tough love and really there is tough love and then there is what she dishes out and its really not healthily at all.  She talks about getting rid of the bad and karma and negativity, well her definition of karma is not correct, and she puts the negativity on herself, so it really comes down to how much a person can take.  And yet, I know she is one of those ones I can not delete from face book why because of the stupid 

So really in response to all those she posts, I am not scared,   you already treat me like crap,  I just have been spending my time living my life and ignoring you. Not much else I can do.   Just remind me to never make plans with her again;    I don't need the depression to set in.

New month, a new me.....

Wowie, Vacation did a good number of things for me.  Most good with the exception of the cold I got.  I had a fantastic time on vacation, seeing the Pacific Ocean and touching it for the first time.  But really this vacation gave me a lot of time to do some serious thinking about my life.  Real thinking;   years ago I made a promise to someone, and I kept it.   Now I have made new promise in the last bit and never kept one; which deeply disappoints me since usually when I make a promise I keep it; it was something you could count on.  

But really this vacation time; I did some thinking about what I want out of life and decided to write down some goals

Pay off all credit cards

Purchase new lap top

Save for new car

Save for moving out

Save for vacation

Lose 30 pounds by may

Lose another 40 pounds by Dec

Finish Nano this year…. Focus on my writing

Exercise 5 days out of the week

No more slurpees

No more wasting money (buying food etc)

I need to start doing something with my life,   really taking a good look at what’s out there and what I want out of life.    Whether that means cleaning up aspects, like whom I am around and friends with, which means even face book, time for a change.  I want to be a different person, a better person.  Part of it is the being sick again,   with all that is going on I am so sick of being sick.  I spoke with my doctor yesterday and they are saying the Iron infusions I have been having will be a long term thing.  I wish we could just find out what is going on. 

I have a big treatment this week that I am scared for.  Three hours long instead of the hour and a half which makes me sick, and I am scared what this one will do.   I really want some results.   The lack of iron makes me look so sick,  and I am always tired, no energy to actually exercise, this sucks so badly/

Got to push onward

Step one: will be to clean out  my Facebook list

Mid week thoughts

A mid week post wowie, what a roll I am on.  HA.  My goal for hitting the treadmill every day this week has been a weak attempt.  My arthritics is so bad right now, walking is killing me.  I go to bed in pain and I am getting up in pain.  I want it to lighten up but far still waiting on that.  I haven’t had an attack this long or this bad since I was heavier. I am worried that my arthritics is getting worse. The pain killers I am taking for it, which really do not help are killing my stomach and over all things are just not working

And yet amidst all of this  I was thinking of over all goals.  Final totals and physicals goals.   I want to get down to 145 as my final weight total.  Seems  like a lot when I am sitting at 206, but I think I can do it.  Another goal is I want to do a marathon,  I want to  do the OK one.  I heard someone talk about it  and want to try it, 

Well that is all for now

First Week review

One week check in and where do I stand on things.  Well proud to say down 2 pounds but honestly not feeling like that is a month if I want to be down 10 pounds by the end of April.  I managed to keep a couple of my goals. I did not buy one slurpee this week. Hurray, but some of the other stuff was hard when people would buy me a bag of chips here, or a chocolate bar, or any of that stuff.  It’s nice but how do you tell someone to stop. 

Another goal is the water aspect, now trying on that one; I just hate water so much but it’s still an in progress thing.    But I did manage to cut out no extra salt all week.  I have not added any to my food all week so rather proud of that.   Exercising everyday did not happen as well, but did it more often than last month. I did start taking my iron pills again, and although uncomfortable with my stomach I am pushing through.   In need to get back into this.  I need to start these goals for myself

But I think I am going to do mini goals:  Like by the end of April I want to be able to do 3.5 speeds on the treadmill again.  Along with that, by the end of May be doing an hour on the treadmill each day on days I am not working.  On days I am working 45 minutes.   This is something I am trying really hard to do.   A little challenge for just the week is to work out on the Tread mill every day this week.  That means for this to work, getting up early,  to work out, showering doing some stuff and laying down again  just to make sure I get enough rest to make it through the day.  I did sign up to donate blood again,  and to do that, one Iron has to be up high enough and that is happening on April 17; so fingers cross I succeed in raising up those levels

As for the writing goals; man have I failed that one; I have gotten nowhere, and it’s not looking good.  What am wrong with me was I just fooling myself that I could do any form of writing.  Going to with the goals I recently set, having not achieved any of those is still an ongoing thing. 

More Goals: Writing away

Here I am with more goals;  its been a rocky start to the personal goals but since its only day two, can I really say that?  Today's  blog is about my writing.   Lately I have been lacking in this department;  well down right sucking is the words I would actually use but trying to be positive about it. And let me tell you staying positive right now is not an easy task. 

With my writing, let's just say I have not finished anything I have started in nearly two years.  Every time I read something I wrote, the first thing thing I think is how crappy it is.  I can't seem to write anything or make it flow like I feel I use to be able too.  What makes it worse as well is the whole going weeks on end with out writing a thing.  This  lack of writing is not only affecting me emotionally and mentally  but helps me keep things bottled up inside until I blow.  This I can't have happen so   I need to set up some goals when it comes to my writing

1)  I want to write at least 2 pages of anything a day.  Doesn't matter what it is, just getting out my thoughts even

2) I want to be blogging once a week; even if its something totally stupid, like the smelly guy on the bus.

3) I want to get out a first draft and then go back and correct it;  stop fixing  the first three paragraphs 20 times.

4) Go back to keeping it  private;  that seemed to work for me before

Just a few short goals.  I just want a weekend to get away,  from everything and just write.  I was hoping to do that in May but I doubt that will be happening now.

April 1, 2013 - April fools Prank it's not!

I think my body thinks I am playing an April Fools Joke on them.  HA  Surprise.... Nope this is for real. Well first day off to a good start; got up at nearly the time I will be getting up for the rest of the week.  Got up did some household stuff and hit the treadmill. WOWIE out of shape.  Tuckered me out and I could not wait for the 30 minutes to end.  From there with a little "help" from the dogs  I did only 10 sit ups.  UGH use to be able to do 25.

Lately my joints are killing me all the time and I am out of breath; I can't even do the scripting  i normally do with out running out of breath.  Been awhile since that happened.  Nope no more.   Been thinking about it while doing the treadmill and  setting a few short term goals for me

1) Lose 10 pounds by the end of April
2) Get back into the water thing, use to drink a lot
3) Cut back on salt. yes  I do love salt and it is something I need to work on
4) Weigh in every sunday. ONLY sundays
5) Cut back on portion sizes, feel like I am eating too much lately
6) No more late night snacks
7)Clear out any snacks left in bedroom.
8) Start my Iron pills again
9)Some sort of exercise Daily - whether treadmill, or  sit ups,etc


This is the short term goals for now. Once I get these back into my routine,  will go from there and get more specific. 

A Promise made: The new start!

I don’t even know where to start this; really been thinking about this, but no start.  I’ve screwed up; I’ve screwed up badly. In 2004 I made a promise to someone very important to me and for the longest time I worked hard to achieve that promise.  In 2011; I felt that I accomplished what I had sought out to do.    But really I hadn’t really thought about maintaining it.    Since that time I went downhill; that promise I made hasn’t been kept; I am realizing that now.   

Work… work sucks; back when I was managing the gas stations I asked what I was doing with my life.  I want to be able to afford to do things; to move out on my own etc.  That is why I went to school; sure school has helped; I guess, but really with this job I haven’t used any of my schooling.  And when at one time there was a thought to advance, now it seems according to them, all advancing jobs are temps and I could be coming back downstairs, so really is it worth it?  Is this really what I want to be doing?  Sure I can afford to do stuff (except for the massive amount of debt I have now… school plus except for debt).  But I am stuck doing something that I could have gotten the job doing without the degree.    I need to start looking at things; I see the people I went to school with and how far they have gotten.  Perhaps its time to look at things again; start taking some side classes 

really take this degree to the next step.  Money is a factor in there, and I need to work on that area too.

But it is more than that; the working on myself aspect went downhill as well.  I need to start setting some goals again,  to work on aspects.    My weight has gone well up hill instead of down.  My writing sucks, and just over all unhappy; with a lot of things.  I am not making the effort I use to make in a lot of things and its time to look over things again.   So here it goes; things are going to change

  

(1)    Working on the money thing

2    (2)      MY weight:  No more slurpees unless someone else buys them for me.   I will no longer be spending money on them.  This will also help the money thing

3    (3)      Work issue:  time to look into other classes and courses just to keep advancing myself

4    (4)      Writing; I need to finish something. I can’t seem to  do that.  Even this blog post is not what I wanted it to be however;  its all I seem to be able to get out.

It is time to shape up, or ship out.  And It is time to stop excuses and  get back to that promise!

April first is going to be the new start... the start that gets me back on track......  HERE WE GO

On another note just learned that a model’s waste is 23 inches… yikes!