Neither Hung nor Bitter

Neither Hung up or bitter:  CLOSURE

It’s been over eight years since my ex and I split… eight full years of growth and through these years I have done a lot of thinking.  Now back story with me and my ex.  I had been single (had some past issues) and a friend set us up.  Now originally she wanted to set me up with my ex’s best friend.  My Ex we will call him D, was single at the time, just having gotten out of a one year relationship with a girl.  We started to go out, the shallow part of me thought he had a nice body, someone interested in me who wasn’t what I predicted I would date. (Especially since I was a larger girl I predicted I would date a bigger man) so to date someone at that time with Muscles was a total shock to me.   I wont lie he was the first man I slept with, something I do regret.   Anyways, I wont lie through out the relationship I seen the other side to things, however I accept people for who they are, flaws and all. I accepted him even though there was a ton of things that bothered me, or hurt me.   We got engaged, although even in the engagement I felt that I was settling. That I couldn’t find better or no one else would want me, so hang onto what you got, sort of ideal.  Things in the relationship were not good; I made all the effort, I carried him, and took care of him.  I was the reliable responsible one, he wasn’t and it was stressful for me.   When we split, I again wont lie, I felt destroyed, even though inside it felt like a blessing.  It was all I knew and with no self esteem believes that no one else would want me flaws and all.

It’s been eight and a half years since then; a little longer then that since he called off the wedding (six months before it). I dated one person since then just after the split up for all of 3 weeks before those things got a little crazy.   Now since then I have had the time to think about things.  Don’t get me wrong I still feel like I don’t deserve someone good to me; but I try.

Many people believe that since I haven’t dated, I am still hung up on my ex.  I’m not, its been a long road, and I have used that time to work on me. I got a Degree, I lost some weight (especially with the idea that I don’t find me attractive who else would).   I worked on myself. I found my own personal faults and worked on those.  I did it for me in the end.   But in the end it always comes down to the same thing, I must be bitter or hung up on.).  Look at it this way, my ex was my first boyfriend,  the first person I slept with,  really he was the one  that gave me my first impression of this world really.   That impression in the end was not good.  Now its not really comparing but it’s a uncertainty as well as insecurity regarding how to be in a relationship. 

When things started to break down between him and I; I never knew it was coming. There was a lot of issues, such as  the fact that he was working (if you can call it working) and I wasn’t, But reason for that was for the longest time I worked and he did not do anything but sleep all day.  When he started working at Lilydale   he told me to take some time off, not work, since I had done it for so long (working since I was 12, evenings weekends, holidays etc).   So I did, but soon got restless… he didn’t want me to work, so I didn’t.  Well I did get one job, but  I couldn’t bring myself to go, I kept getting sick.   Then Jan 2004 I got another job working at a Shell…. I worked two days kept getting sick and finally went to the doctor.  Where a diagnoses of a life time changed my life.  I was diagnosed with OCD and Agoraphobia. Now the OCD I could handle but the Agoraphobia made a whole lot of sense.  When my ex and I were splitting he used this practically as an excuse. Saying that I know had an excuse for my bad work ethic.. (Like he was one to talk since   I had to force him to go to work).    Another he used against me at this time was that I was told I may not be able to have kids.  At the time he used plenty against me.  An old nickname for me used to be mother… why because I tended to take care of people.  Well he was a severe asthmatic, I made sure he had his meds, etc, and the only thing I asked him to do was quit smoking. Seriously he smoked so much, so he took to hiding it (like I didn’t know) including smoking in my car (which had never been smoked in until he did it… or smoking in our bathroom, like we couldn’t tell, or he didn’t burn the seat or the floor.  Really… sigh.  The one thing I asked and he couldn’t even do that for me.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  I learned the hard way.  

Now I recently learned/heard that he is telling people that since I have not dated since we split   I must be hung up on him.  Although I know that is not the case and it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, it is starting to go around that way.  I can’t maintain an average relationship with someone because I compare them all to him. (Not sure really how that works, since really everything I want in a guy, is the total opposite to him.  So yes if I am comparing it’s to find the opposite of him).   

I wont lie I haven’t had sex in 9 ½ years since with him it felt like a chore and with a guy who hated to shower and bath (had plenty of excuses regarding why he didn’t shower and bath etc).  Just so many things,  that no never going back to that and want the best for me… I want someone who is my friend too.

A Partner for the Future

So many things going through my mind lately, one of the biggest is really the idea partner.  Now to be honest not sure what started this thought in my head.  I am not dating anyone, no one is interested so, it is not something that just pops in one’s head; could be a number of things. Lauren a fanatic girl at work, made the strong decision to split up with her boyfriend of nearly three years.  Why because of many of the situations, while she knows in a relationship you sacrifice things, she sacrificed something important to her; while her boyfriend decided to play the cool guy and claim to be sleeping with other girls.  She didn’t need that crap and all the other crap he was dishing out towards her and said screw it; she had enough.

Another reason it could be is a new friend at work, Melisa and I have been talking about it off on.  What really is ones idea mate?   Now honest with my ex there are a lot of things I never experienced that I would have liked too and thing I feel like I miss even though I never had.   I guess in a way you miss the idea of something you didn’t have but would love to experience.

For me it’s the little things, the idea that I am a thought to that person even when I am not around. What I mean by that is the whole, they went to the store, see say some peaches that look really good, and thought I may like them…picked me up one. Or say spotted something and thought of me and had to get it. Not saying I am materialistic, far from it but using that as an example. I am the random person, if I go out and I see something that someone I know likes or collects, I will pick it up for them if I can afford it. I want them to know that I thought of them. It is the little things like that, for another example its like the idea of I worked all day or you know I had a bad day…. It’s stormy or really cold and you know what time I get off, you decide to pick me up… that make my day, to know your concerned. It is those little things that get me. I am the same way though, I would do it for anyone I was seeing; because I want them to know I care, that I am thinking of them or are concerned for them.

I want a person who will accept me for who I am, flaws and all; just like I do for those I am around. I would love someone who knows when to defend me or protect me, and yet at times knows when to let me stand on my own. Someone I can go to when I just need a hug, to cuddle up with when I just need to be held. Now those of you who know me, know I don’t like to be touched, so wanting to have that person to go that I am comfortable with getting a hug or being touched is totally different. At the same time, the person can read me enough when to not to touch me; I usually have signs or so I am told.

Now other things I look for, is someone who is willing to work with me; what I mean by that is say we plan a nice evening together, want to have dinner together, I can help make supper, prep work etc, just working together is a nice thought to me. One thing about me that tends to bother people is that I am not much for going out. I don’t mind at times, I am just not a big fan of all the time; I just am not much of a partier. Like New Years Eve to be honest I would love to stay home, a couple of friends or even just the two of us, a few snacks watching movies, cuddling etc. That sort of thing; but not many people understand that.
I would love someone with a sense of humor, who can make me laugh’ especially when I want to cry. Someone who tries to explain a sci-fi movie or a fantasy understanding I just don’t get it but loves me for it anyways. And someone who can put up with my bad moods because we all do get them, some of us just hide them better… I really don’t think I am.

I am a person who hates being pressured, and sometimes would like a decision made for her. I hate being the one who has to plan everything and make all the effort for something. For example, a camping trip, normally I would have to plan it, find the location, pay for it, pack everything, unpack everything, and set up etc… I don’t mind helping out, but in the end it’s not a vacation for me, since I spend so much time taking care of everything or everyone. Now strange as this is, I guess because I am so use to taking care of people I for once want to have someone who knows when to be the dominate one. The take care of things, like making plans that heritage days is in town, lets go together, we’ll go at this time and catch the bus and spend the day. Or plan a picnic. (Never really did the picnic thing and feel it would be a romantic fun thing).
Another aspect is not only reliability but just responsibility. Many people I know are not the most responsible, reliable people. Seriously I can count on one had really, the people I can count on. People who say they are going to do what they are going to do, people who wont let me down…. Someone who works, not just going to the gas station etc ( not that there is nothing wrong with that, but when I worked so hard to leave the gas station behind me, its some one with a little a go to them, who knows what they want and will work for it, or go for it. I personally have given up on Hope… why because for me I have gotten use to being disappointed and I hated that feeling; so what better way to avoid it then to give up on the part that causes it.

I want a person who I can have fun with, play games with, with a friendly competition, no poor sportsmanship or sore winners/ losers. I like to joke around and have fun, tease a person, but I try to watch the line too, of going too far. A little friendly competition between people, like at work, played a contract bingo, my desk mate and I had a friendly competition going (she beat me by one), but we also helped each other out.

Now like everyone else I have quirks, lol I think we all do, now I know a person may not always find them cute or it may drive a person nut but this kind of leads to the big thing for me. If I don’t know something bothers you or is wrong I CAN’T FIX OR CHANGE IT. Communication is important, time to chat here and there, is good, a relationship build on silence is not good, and neither is one person making the other person feel like they are stupid or should just keep their mouth shut because they are not smart enough to enter into a conversation with anyone.

I am not a drinker, I have stopped that years ago, I don’t smoke, not a big fan of those who do; but I accept them. I don’t do drugs, and really not into drugs, and have strong opinions about them that I do try to keep to myself, but sometimes they do slip out.

I will not lie, I have insecurities, we all do I think in some ways. Mine do range from my past I try to over come, but some things do linger. I am not bidder, I learn from my mistakes; and I guess I want to learn or relearn things with people, discover a different side to myself.

I am a family person and an animal person, I would love to have my own place and have a little kitten of my own. I do things for my family; I love my family and spend some time with them, but like my space too. I guess I just want someone to be my partner, to support me and yet let me be strong too. To create good memories, relearn to love the holidays (any holiday) and create a future with.

Perhaps just not in the cards for me and asking for too much…

Sick and twisted world

I don't know what it is lately.  I feel so stressed, like I have so much to do and not enough time to do it.   Basement leaked a little bit again,  not as bad as before, but when you get up to it, first thing on a monday morning it sucks!.   At least we know where the leak is this time, just not sure what we are going to do about it.    Haven't been feeling well all week either, that just doesn't help.   Eatting bothers my stomach, so I haven't been doing very much of that, (Not affecting my weight at all).  

One good note is that the garage doors finally got done a couple of weeks ago, and  the Garage is totally cleaned out, I have been able to park in there for a bit now! Two car garage is now exactly that,  two car garage!.

Things at work seem alright,  way to much favoritism going on in this place, but really still not as bad as superstore.  Its livable unlike with superstore that it was to the put of nervous breakdown.   Things at home seem ok.  Some of the same crap and drama,  sibling being his normal self,  at least as far as I know, since I don't speak or associate with him.

On another front really WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TOO?   Just read that in Aurora Colorado a man  went on a shooting spree,  killing over 14 people (mainly children and teenagers) at the premiere of a new movie.  Seriously, the youngest was 3 months old and he shot the child at point blank.... POINT blank.   This whole situation just cuts me so deep,  not only for that poor baby and his/her family but for all those other lives lost.  What makes a person do that?  If you want to hurt someone, go hurt yourself instead. (Although that hurts your family and those who care about you), why hurt so many other innocent people.    I just don't know what to make of things in our world any more.   A man eatting another man's face,  cutting someone up and mailing out body parts. HECK watching the video of that,  and others like that.  What is with our sick and twisted society,  why do we have to be this way,  others tragedies are not for our amusement.  A SICK TWISTED WORLD we live in.

Surprise suprise

Surprise,  Surprise

Here we go again,  so it’s a facebook thing again.   So my “sibling” decided to post up in his about me on facebook that he was a bisexual man in an open marriage and looking for friends with benefits.  Now really, I have no issues with a person being bisexual, gay or anything of the sort and to each their own, in life, frig if you want an open marriage  that is between you and your partner.

Now he posted this up, but his wife did not.  Does she know they are in this open marriage? And ven still why make it public?  I mean I know people who are in an open marriage, or swingers and they do not make this public, out of respect for their marriage, their families and friends and even their kids. But that is not happening in this case. He announces it and as normal does not care how it affects anyone else. 

Now another aspect is him saying he is bi, this I doubt, you can be attracted to the same sex sure, turned on by this, but does that make you bi? No it makes you curious until you have gone that next step then your not bit but just curious

Now really another aspect that bother me is really if she Okayed this open marriage and he announces it, I am sorry it seems only one sided. Does she not have any self respect?   Seriously I have lost any ounce of respect I had left for her (not that there was much left,   and none for him at all).  Fine have your open marriage, but really keep it private

I believe in one person marriages/ relationships; If you want to sleep with someone then why be married or in a relationship. I have seen some of these relationships and there is always an agreement in place, but in the end someone misunderstands the agreement or something changes… leading to the end of it.. 

Even  yesterday he posted up a whole if you don’t like what I post on here then unfriend me….. I think he is not realizing that  you are on the internet, it’s a public  area,  that  you leave it open to public opinion, you can’t complain about public opinion.

I am tired of this crap. I want a relationship or marriage that is between two people not three or more.  . 

Had other stuff on my mind lately trying to work through it slowly and eventually  will write it out here I am sure. Just need to take the time to reorganize my thoughts so I can get them down.

The First Step of Many

I don't even know where to start; and I know this has been coming for a very very long time.  And I have said it before,  but last night I think I finally hit my snapping point.  Now I am a very shy girl,  around all people,  until i get to know them and am totally comfortable with them, I am pretty shy.  That is just who I am.  And I do lack experience,  I know this,  I went from my first relationship to no relationship and I threw myself into improving myself, going back to school etc. 

I am trying to get into the dating scene again, and there is a guy in my work buliding that I find kind of cute. SO I messaged my friend and said I wish I had some courage,  she replied back we make our own.. ok got it.. she had asked why. And I told her... Well she snapped at me, basically telling me to get over it and just do it. That I need to get some... (I hate it when people say that) and  basically I should be acting my age, people our age should not have this problem.  Well I am sorry but age has nothing to do with shyness.   She apologizes for snapping at me,  she is just tired of people's bullshit. Didn't realize this was bullshit and that pissed me off. I wont lie; royally pissed and honestly still am.    

I know she is the tough love sort of girl, but enough is enough. SHe dishes out the tough love but when it comes to her recieving it,  she gets mad.   So many things over the years have driven me to be upset with her.  Recently was the whole going on a trip to Vegas with Julie and I. She had made the plans etc etc, but when it came down to booking it, she said nothing.  I found out from another friend  that she didn't have the money to go.  Yet and never said a word to me;  but then she is always posting up about going on vacation with another friend (this was at the same time she  told other friend about not being able to afford to go).    The other day she posted up 54 days until she goes on Vacation... well my issue with that is that she already said she was going to go to Heritiage days with Julie and I, which at that time was in 54 days.   But she is going away with this other friend.  Now wont say I am jealous but it does make one person feel they are not as good as the other.   I am tired of her crap; she complains that she doesn't want drama etc, but she always creates her own.  Everything she does  she creates onto herself,  and yet she complains about that other people are doing it.

She leaves jobs due to issues of stress with co workers  (she starts up the drama,  creates an air around herself and yes her co workers do not care for her)  but a lot of it is due to her acting like she knows more and has experienced more then everyone else.  I have put up with it for years, I accept people for who they are faults and all.   I am at the point that I am tired of it; I am the punching bag.   Always said to be opposites, and people never could believe we could be friends because of our differences.   With her last boyfriend she was pretty good,  only smoked pot.  Not as bad as she use to be.   When they split she went back to her party additude ways.  I can't relate to that and I want more out of life then that. I am through with her.  I normally try and save friendships but I am needing to learn when to let things go.  This is not healthy for me at all.  I have goals and wants in my life, that just don't match her, and I can't keep letting her hurt me.     I already moved her to acquaintance on facebook, because I don't need the drama it would create if I was to directly remove her from my list.  A first step... one of many.  

Family

Wow I do have so much to stay but not really a clue where to start.   Let's go with Family... oh Family.  Now really what is the defination of Family?   According to Dictionary.com  it is: a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.

b. a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family.

c)any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.

d.) all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.

Now people say that Family needs to be there for each other; in some ways  I disagree with it;  I understand the concept by why should a distant family member do something for me; when they do not know me?  But then there is the other way of it,  a closer family member, a daughter; a son.    I was raised to be there for my family. If I go out with my grandparents, I pay for them, why should they pay for me. They are my grandparents, they are on a fixed budget, I am young and able, its my treat.     I treat my grandparents with respect;  I would go out of my way for them. The same thing with my parents; so it kills me in side to  see  the way my sibling is treating my mom.  Things have gotten worse since my last post about the subject; and really I think they are just going to get even worse.  My grandmother wants to have a family get together with everyone;  just due to she believes she doesn't have a lot of time left.   She has had some health scares over the past few years, and she is getting older so that is understandable; well my parents offered our yard, since its in the middle for most of the family but one aunt, but its still not across town for her (she is coming from out in the country).   This will  be raising some issues with my sibling who will use it as an excuse not to come, since its held at our house. My dad has offically disowned him, but my mom... she is holding out, she hasn't got to that point (given its her child, understandable).

There is so much more I could say to this but really its like beating a dead horse. LOL  

Too Much Drama

 So many things I would like to discuss but really I have no clue where to start.  Had my first vacation in years; and I enjoyed it although parts of it could have been better.  Other parts of it totally rocked.  Headed to Vegas with my best friend; wanted to see what the hype was all about.  Well to me Vegas was not as good as the hype.  I had a short layover in Phoenix and to be honest that place is browner and then brown and really i was disappointed in the way it looked.  Although it was HOTTER then Vegas. LOL.  The airport was a dump, and not air conditioned... not a great start to the trip.  Left there and landed in Vegas,  totally shocked  over how dark it was at 8 pm at night.  It took forever to get settled in the hotel and get settled.  Julie came the next morning and it was a good start to the Vacation.  Now the Tourist suck, and they were the rudest people.    SOme much happened on the trip and I lvoed it.  Seen the VIva Elvis show and I wont lie,  I cried during it.   But it was the coming home,  all I came home to was DRAMA.  So much drama I hate it.  Drama with family members,  Drama with friends... just over all stupidness that made me want to go back to Vegas. LOL

  There is so much going on right now and I just want to hide from all of it.  Time to think, no pressures from people, no one getting mad at me, just over all Treena space time. I want to go and sit in a cabin by a lake and write, think and or relax.

Just short for now my thoughts are totally jumbled