Mid week thoughts

A mid week post wowie, what a roll I am on.  HA.  My goal for hitting the treadmill every day this week has been a weak attempt.  My arthritics is so bad right now, walking is killing me.  I go to bed in pain and I am getting up in pain.  I want it to lighten up but far still waiting on that.  I haven’t had an attack this long or this bad since I was heavier. I am worried that my arthritics is getting worse. The pain killers I am taking for it, which really do not help are killing my stomach and over all things are just not working

And yet amidst all of this  I was thinking of over all goals.  Final totals and physicals goals.   I want to get down to 145 as my final weight total.  Seems  like a lot when I am sitting at 206, but I think I can do it.  Another goal is I want to do a marathon,  I want to  do the OK one.  I heard someone talk about it  and want to try it, 

Well that is all for now

First Week review

One week check in and where do I stand on things.  Well proud to say down 2 pounds but honestly not feeling like that is a month if I want to be down 10 pounds by the end of April.  I managed to keep a couple of my goals. I did not buy one slurpee this week. Hurray, but some of the other stuff was hard when people would buy me a bag of chips here, or a chocolate bar, or any of that stuff.  It’s nice but how do you tell someone to stop. 

Another goal is the water aspect, now trying on that one; I just hate water so much but it’s still an in progress thing.    But I did manage to cut out no extra salt all week.  I have not added any to my food all week so rather proud of that.   Exercising everyday did not happen as well, but did it more often than last month. I did start taking my iron pills again, and although uncomfortable with my stomach I am pushing through.   In need to get back into this.  I need to start these goals for myself

But I think I am going to do mini goals:  Like by the end of April I want to be able to do 3.5 speeds on the treadmill again.  Along with that, by the end of May be doing an hour on the treadmill each day on days I am not working.  On days I am working 45 minutes.   This is something I am trying really hard to do.   A little challenge for just the week is to work out on the Tread mill every day this week.  That means for this to work, getting up early,  to work out, showering doing some stuff and laying down again  just to make sure I get enough rest to make it through the day.  I did sign up to donate blood again,  and to do that, one Iron has to be up high enough and that is happening on April 17; so fingers cross I succeed in raising up those levels

As for the writing goals; man have I failed that one; I have gotten nowhere, and it’s not looking good.  What am wrong with me was I just fooling myself that I could do any form of writing.  Going to with the goals I recently set, having not achieved any of those is still an ongoing thing. 

More Goals: Writing away

Here I am with more goals;  its been a rocky start to the personal goals but since its only day two, can I really say that?  Today's  blog is about my writing.   Lately I have been lacking in this department;  well down right sucking is the words I would actually use but trying to be positive about it. And let me tell you staying positive right now is not an easy task. 

With my writing, let's just say I have not finished anything I have started in nearly two years.  Every time I read something I wrote, the first thing thing I think is how crappy it is.  I can't seem to write anything or make it flow like I feel I use to be able too.  What makes it worse as well is the whole going weeks on end with out writing a thing.  This  lack of writing is not only affecting me emotionally and mentally  but helps me keep things bottled up inside until I blow.  This I can't have happen so   I need to set up some goals when it comes to my writing

1)  I want to write at least 2 pages of anything a day.  Doesn't matter what it is, just getting out my thoughts even

2) I want to be blogging once a week; even if its something totally stupid, like the smelly guy on the bus.

3) I want to get out a first draft and then go back and correct it;  stop fixing  the first three paragraphs 20 times.

4) Go back to keeping it  private;  that seemed to work for me before

Just a few short goals.  I just want a weekend to get away,  from everything and just write.  I was hoping to do that in May but I doubt that will be happening now.

April 1, 2013 - April fools Prank it's not!

I think my body thinks I am playing an April Fools Joke on them.  HA  Surprise.... Nope this is for real. Well first day off to a good start; got up at nearly the time I will be getting up for the rest of the week.  Got up did some household stuff and hit the treadmill. WOWIE out of shape.  Tuckered me out and I could not wait for the 30 minutes to end.  From there with a little "help" from the dogs  I did only 10 sit ups.  UGH use to be able to do 25.

Lately my joints are killing me all the time and I am out of breath; I can't even do the scripting  i normally do with out running out of breath.  Been awhile since that happened.  Nope no more.   Been thinking about it while doing the treadmill and  setting a few short term goals for me

1) Lose 10 pounds by the end of April
2) Get back into the water thing, use to drink a lot
3) Cut back on salt. yes  I do love salt and it is something I need to work on
4) Weigh in every sunday. ONLY sundays
5) Cut back on portion sizes, feel like I am eating too much lately
6) No more late night snacks
7)Clear out any snacks left in bedroom.
8) Start my Iron pills again
9)Some sort of exercise Daily - whether treadmill, or  sit ups,etc


This is the short term goals for now. Once I get these back into my routine,  will go from there and get more specific. 

A Promise made: The new start!

I don’t even know where to start this; really been thinking about this, but no start.  I’ve screwed up; I’ve screwed up badly. In 2004 I made a promise to someone very important to me and for the longest time I worked hard to achieve that promise.  In 2011; I felt that I accomplished what I had sought out to do.    But really I hadn’t really thought about maintaining it.    Since that time I went downhill; that promise I made hasn’t been kept; I am realizing that now.   

Work… work sucks; back when I was managing the gas stations I asked what I was doing with my life.  I want to be able to afford to do things; to move out on my own etc.  That is why I went to school; sure school has helped; I guess, but really with this job I haven’t used any of my schooling.  And when at one time there was a thought to advance, now it seems according to them, all advancing jobs are temps and I could be coming back downstairs, so really is it worth it?  Is this really what I want to be doing?  Sure I can afford to do stuff (except for the massive amount of debt I have now… school plus except for debt).  But I am stuck doing something that I could have gotten the job doing without the degree.    I need to start looking at things; I see the people I went to school with and how far they have gotten.  Perhaps its time to look at things again; start taking some side classes 

really take this degree to the next step.  Money is a factor in there, and I need to work on that area too.

But it is more than that; the working on myself aspect went downhill as well.  I need to start setting some goals again,  to work on aspects.    My weight has gone well up hill instead of down.  My writing sucks, and just over all unhappy; with a lot of things.  I am not making the effort I use to make in a lot of things and its time to look over things again.   So here it goes; things are going to change

  

(1)    Working on the money thing

2    (2)      MY weight:  No more slurpees unless someone else buys them for me.   I will no longer be spending money on them.  This will also help the money thing

3    (3)      Work issue:  time to look into other classes and courses just to keep advancing myself

4    (4)      Writing; I need to finish something. I can’t seem to  do that.  Even this blog post is not what I wanted it to be however;  its all I seem to be able to get out.

It is time to shape up, or ship out.  And It is time to stop excuses and  get back to that promise!

April first is going to be the new start... the start that gets me back on track......  HERE WE GO

On another note just learned that a model’s waste is 23 inches… yikes!

Neither Hung nor Bitter

Neither Hung up or bitter:  CLOSURE

It’s been over eight years since my ex and I split… eight full years of growth and through these years I have done a lot of thinking.  Now back story with me and my ex.  I had been single (had some past issues) and a friend set us up.  Now originally she wanted to set me up with my ex’s best friend.  My Ex we will call him D, was single at the time, just having gotten out of a one year relationship with a girl.  We started to go out, the shallow part of me thought he had a nice body, someone interested in me who wasn’t what I predicted I would date. (Especially since I was a larger girl I predicted I would date a bigger man) so to date someone at that time with Muscles was a total shock to me.   I wont lie he was the first man I slept with, something I do regret.   Anyways, I wont lie through out the relationship I seen the other side to things, however I accept people for who they are, flaws and all. I accepted him even though there was a ton of things that bothered me, or hurt me.   We got engaged, although even in the engagement I felt that I was settling. That I couldn’t find better or no one else would want me, so hang onto what you got, sort of ideal.  Things in the relationship were not good; I made all the effort, I carried him, and took care of him.  I was the reliable responsible one, he wasn’t and it was stressful for me.   When we split, I again wont lie, I felt destroyed, even though inside it felt like a blessing.  It was all I knew and with no self esteem believes that no one else would want me flaws and all.

It’s been eight and a half years since then; a little longer then that since he called off the wedding (six months before it). I dated one person since then just after the split up for all of 3 weeks before those things got a little crazy.   Now since then I have had the time to think about things.  Don’t get me wrong I still feel like I don’t deserve someone good to me; but I try.

Many people believe that since I haven’t dated, I am still hung up on my ex.  I’m not, its been a long road, and I have used that time to work on me. I got a Degree, I lost some weight (especially with the idea that I don’t find me attractive who else would).   I worked on myself. I found my own personal faults and worked on those.  I did it for me in the end.   But in the end it always comes down to the same thing, I must be bitter or hung up on.).  Look at it this way, my ex was my first boyfriend,  the first person I slept with,  really he was the one  that gave me my first impression of this world really.   That impression in the end was not good.  Now its not really comparing but it’s a uncertainty as well as insecurity regarding how to be in a relationship. 

When things started to break down between him and I; I never knew it was coming. There was a lot of issues, such as  the fact that he was working (if you can call it working) and I wasn’t, But reason for that was for the longest time I worked and he did not do anything but sleep all day.  When he started working at Lilydale   he told me to take some time off, not work, since I had done it for so long (working since I was 12, evenings weekends, holidays etc).   So I did, but soon got restless… he didn’t want me to work, so I didn’t.  Well I did get one job, but  I couldn’t bring myself to go, I kept getting sick.   Then Jan 2004 I got another job working at a Shell…. I worked two days kept getting sick and finally went to the doctor.  Where a diagnoses of a life time changed my life.  I was diagnosed with OCD and Agoraphobia. Now the OCD I could handle but the Agoraphobia made a whole lot of sense.  When my ex and I were splitting he used this practically as an excuse. Saying that I know had an excuse for my bad work ethic.. (Like he was one to talk since   I had to force him to go to work).    Another he used against me at this time was that I was told I may not be able to have kids.  At the time he used plenty against me.  An old nickname for me used to be mother… why because I tended to take care of people.  Well he was a severe asthmatic, I made sure he had his meds, etc, and the only thing I asked him to do was quit smoking. Seriously he smoked so much, so he took to hiding it (like I didn’t know) including smoking in my car (which had never been smoked in until he did it… or smoking in our bathroom, like we couldn’t tell, or he didn’t burn the seat or the floor.  Really… sigh.  The one thing I asked and he couldn’t even do that for me.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  I learned the hard way.  

Now I recently learned/heard that he is telling people that since I have not dated since we split   I must be hung up on him.  Although I know that is not the case and it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, it is starting to go around that way.  I can’t maintain an average relationship with someone because I compare them all to him. (Not sure really how that works, since really everything I want in a guy, is the total opposite to him.  So yes if I am comparing it’s to find the opposite of him).   

I wont lie I haven’t had sex in 9 ½ years since with him it felt like a chore and with a guy who hated to shower and bath (had plenty of excuses regarding why he didn’t shower and bath etc).  Just so many things,  that no never going back to that and want the best for me… I want someone who is my friend too.

A Partner for the Future

So many things going through my mind lately, one of the biggest is really the idea partner.  Now to be honest not sure what started this thought in my head.  I am not dating anyone, no one is interested so, it is not something that just pops in one’s head; could be a number of things. Lauren a fanatic girl at work, made the strong decision to split up with her boyfriend of nearly three years.  Why because of many of the situations, while she knows in a relationship you sacrifice things, she sacrificed something important to her; while her boyfriend decided to play the cool guy and claim to be sleeping with other girls.  She didn’t need that crap and all the other crap he was dishing out towards her and said screw it; she had enough.

Another reason it could be is a new friend at work, Melisa and I have been talking about it off on.  What really is ones idea mate?   Now honest with my ex there are a lot of things I never experienced that I would have liked too and thing I feel like I miss even though I never had.   I guess in a way you miss the idea of something you didn’t have but would love to experience.

For me it’s the little things, the idea that I am a thought to that person even when I am not around. What I mean by that is the whole, they went to the store, see say some peaches that look really good, and thought I may like them…picked me up one. Or say spotted something and thought of me and had to get it. Not saying I am materialistic, far from it but using that as an example. I am the random person, if I go out and I see something that someone I know likes or collects, I will pick it up for them if I can afford it. I want them to know that I thought of them. It is the little things like that, for another example its like the idea of I worked all day or you know I had a bad day…. It’s stormy or really cold and you know what time I get off, you decide to pick me up… that make my day, to know your concerned. It is those little things that get me. I am the same way though, I would do it for anyone I was seeing; because I want them to know I care, that I am thinking of them or are concerned for them.

I want a person who will accept me for who I am, flaws and all; just like I do for those I am around. I would love someone who knows when to defend me or protect me, and yet at times knows when to let me stand on my own. Someone I can go to when I just need a hug, to cuddle up with when I just need to be held. Now those of you who know me, know I don’t like to be touched, so wanting to have that person to go that I am comfortable with getting a hug or being touched is totally different. At the same time, the person can read me enough when to not to touch me; I usually have signs or so I am told.

Now other things I look for, is someone who is willing to work with me; what I mean by that is say we plan a nice evening together, want to have dinner together, I can help make supper, prep work etc, just working together is a nice thought to me. One thing about me that tends to bother people is that I am not much for going out. I don’t mind at times, I am just not a big fan of all the time; I just am not much of a partier. Like New Years Eve to be honest I would love to stay home, a couple of friends or even just the two of us, a few snacks watching movies, cuddling etc. That sort of thing; but not many people understand that.
I would love someone with a sense of humor, who can make me laugh’ especially when I want to cry. Someone who tries to explain a sci-fi movie or a fantasy understanding I just don’t get it but loves me for it anyways. And someone who can put up with my bad moods because we all do get them, some of us just hide them better… I really don’t think I am.

I am a person who hates being pressured, and sometimes would like a decision made for her. I hate being the one who has to plan everything and make all the effort for something. For example, a camping trip, normally I would have to plan it, find the location, pay for it, pack everything, unpack everything, and set up etc… I don’t mind helping out, but in the end it’s not a vacation for me, since I spend so much time taking care of everything or everyone. Now strange as this is, I guess because I am so use to taking care of people I for once want to have someone who knows when to be the dominate one. The take care of things, like making plans that heritage days is in town, lets go together, we’ll go at this time and catch the bus and spend the day. Or plan a picnic. (Never really did the picnic thing and feel it would be a romantic fun thing).
Another aspect is not only reliability but just responsibility. Many people I know are not the most responsible, reliable people. Seriously I can count on one had really, the people I can count on. People who say they are going to do what they are going to do, people who wont let me down…. Someone who works, not just going to the gas station etc ( not that there is nothing wrong with that, but when I worked so hard to leave the gas station behind me, its some one with a little a go to them, who knows what they want and will work for it, or go for it. I personally have given up on Hope… why because for me I have gotten use to being disappointed and I hated that feeling; so what better way to avoid it then to give up on the part that causes it.

I want a person who I can have fun with, play games with, with a friendly competition, no poor sportsmanship or sore winners/ losers. I like to joke around and have fun, tease a person, but I try to watch the line too, of going too far. A little friendly competition between people, like at work, played a contract bingo, my desk mate and I had a friendly competition going (she beat me by one), but we also helped each other out.

Now like everyone else I have quirks, lol I think we all do, now I know a person may not always find them cute or it may drive a person nut but this kind of leads to the big thing for me. If I don’t know something bothers you or is wrong I CAN’T FIX OR CHANGE IT. Communication is important, time to chat here and there, is good, a relationship build on silence is not good, and neither is one person making the other person feel like they are stupid or should just keep their mouth shut because they are not smart enough to enter into a conversation with anyone.

I am not a drinker, I have stopped that years ago, I don’t smoke, not a big fan of those who do; but I accept them. I don’t do drugs, and really not into drugs, and have strong opinions about them that I do try to keep to myself, but sometimes they do slip out.

I will not lie, I have insecurities, we all do I think in some ways. Mine do range from my past I try to over come, but some things do linger. I am not bidder, I learn from my mistakes; and I guess I want to learn or relearn things with people, discover a different side to myself.

I am a family person and an animal person, I would love to have my own place and have a little kitten of my own. I do things for my family; I love my family and spend some time with them, but like my space too. I guess I just want someone to be my partner, to support me and yet let me be strong too. To create good memories, relearn to love the holidays (any holiday) and create a future with.

Perhaps just not in the cards for me and asking for too much…