Each step

Well  a new month.  April already,  it is shockingly going quickly.  Upon looking at the calendar totally shocked at seeing  that it is April 10th already and  that I will be in Vegas in 35 days. I can hardly wait.  Much needed and excited,  I need  start putting things together, figuring out what to bring and what not to bring. 

This past weekend was kind of busy,  finally got to put stuff away in the basement,  put things out of the containers but really didn't do a heck of a lot.  Will have to move out to offically move. 

I started to do some thinking,  there are a few places I would like to go in the future  at least close places.  Go back to Seattle to visit Julie (would have loved to go this year, to see  the 50 year of world fair).  See the Oregan coast with Julie, and to go to Graceland.  Those are future near goals.  I do want to see other places but they are further future.  I want to move out get my own place before I go to the land down under or  Russia etc etc.   The little goals. 

Things this year seem to be going alright, dad is starting to do a bit better.  My mom is finally going to get the surgery on her knee like she so badly needs.  And Even I am going in for surgery in Sept to  remove the extra skin i have from my weight loss.  YEAH.  So excited for the thigns happening this year, a bit nervous too but its one step at a time.  Learn the hard way of not  grouping things for the year, each thing that happens is a new event,  it does not make the year bad,  just its one step in either direction as the year goes.   I need to start looking them as the little steps and work from there

A little catch up

Today I am hoping to have a good day, its not looking to bad.  The work crews started on fixing the basement problem yesterday. YEAH.   So that feels great that something is starting to get done.  I am going to donate blood again today,  looking forward to it.  Not just because its 2 hours off the phone but also because I was told my blood type is kind of rare so people do need it.  So that is another plus in my books.  One thing I haven't done in awhile is write; to which I really need to do.  Its like I crave it and probably one of the reasons I have been moody for the past bit. 

 My Vegas trip is nearly here,  after today  its 45 days or  a month and a half.  Its hard to believe its nearly April.  This year has already gone by so quickly.   Life is interesting, the same drama from the same people, but hey,  I guess that is apart of life. Some people can't help needing that attention or craving it.  Some people just can't seem to avoid it.  I personally try to keep things to myself.

One thing I forgot to mention is about two weeks ago we finally got the results of my uncles  autopsy.  After years of drug abuse he finally got clean.  He was working at the Hope Mission, living near to it, getting his life together.  Well I guess  the years of drugs took a toll on him.  He was pretty sick,  Pneumonia  I guess,  which complications from his diabetics and his heart (he had gained a lot of weight after stopping the drugs).  All played a part in his death,  they also found codeine in his system and morphine. Now the Morphine makes no sense,   an ex drug addict with that in his system is not a good thing. Makes me wonder how he got that, my mom and aunt think it may have been in a pain killer.  Most doctors wont give morphine to an ex druggie.   The codeine may have been in cough medicine, which also may explain the  alcohol they found in his system as well.   The Morphine is what is out of place,  they need to and choose to believe he died clean,  I do have my doubts, but I will let them have what they need.  Still have not told my other sibling the results and you know what, that does not bother me.  With his attitude etc,  and with what is going on with him,  my parents aren't calling him nor will I.   I am happy he is not in my life,  in a way I finally feel at peace, finally.   Some things I can not change, some things I wish I could but they make me who I am today. 

C-C-C-CHANGES

So much going on and in a way nothing at all.  Things take time,  and some things are coming up or could be coming up but taking their sweet little time to get here.  One thing is that our basement is finally going to be fixed!!! YAHOO.  That means  that this summer when it rains, no more leaks.  I can finally put the couch down of my Tupperware containers that are holding  books and other things from the basement living room.  YAHOO again. I can make it livable and functional again.  I can perhaps have this feeling of  overwhelming clutter taking away once things get organized again.   They are starting on the leak in the laundry room.  This leak has been there for a long time, started off as a small leak years ago,  that well when it did leak would go right to the drain anyways so honestly not really a big big deal.  However; this past year this  little leak turned into a huge leak.  Add the fact that  the cold room, (just off of the basement living room)  decided it was its turn to leak this year. Two massive leaks,  I lost a lot of stuff, got rid of a  lot of stuff and for the most part put everything up on Tupperware containers.

That is the first big thing, second, Mom is finally getting the surgery on her knee.  YAHOO again.  Nearly three years it took to get in to see the specialist  and now finally they told her  they would do it in June or July.  That is great news!.  Dad seems to be doing a bit better, although  moody as ever.  Nothing new there, but this is just as bad as it once was.  Can't talk to him, he is a grumpy and short with people.  I wanted to discuss something with him but honestly I think I am just going to shrug it off as its not going to happen.

I got in to see Dr. Toy, he is the one who is going to or may  be doing my surgery for the extra skin removal.  I have two choices, and after doing the pros and cons of it, I want to go with one of the options, the  main issue is the cost.   Now I have many ways to look at covering for it; I do have some insurance provided by my work (my flex dollars).  The whole thing should cost about 6000 dollars plus tax. Now that isn't horrible,  I can carry over it on my flex dollars for two years.  It's going to make things tight for a little bit but waiting on tax return to see if management, I mean due to having cashed in my rrsps and that want to make sure I don't owe and can pay my insurance this year.  So basically a waiting game.

I need to see what I can do, and save up for a few things.   Some plans would need to be put on hold but  that is part of life right?

I have lately been thinking about the little things that drive me crazy, or people who rub me the wrong way.  I made the decision for those people who just really get on my nerves to let it pounce off of me. I just don't care and I don't care. It sounds sad to say but these people are digging their own "graves" so to speak.  If they want to go and get an IPHONE and then complain about not having any money to move because they hate where they live. Not my problem,  that 200 to 300 dollars you spent on that phone could have gone towards that move you want.  Let alone hey let's make enemies out of the people who do drive and could move you.  Good luck with trying to get that now. 

I realized if I have the surgery in Sept (17) if things go as planned . . . then  I need to work on losing more weight to make it even more beneficial.  Make the surgery people tell me is a rather tough one really fully worth it all.  That and needing to save means I need to sit down, take a look at everything and figure out where to cut back and what to work with. I don't always buy Timmy's but do I really need to stop that morning for one?  No,  that is what three dollars I could have saved instead of getting the french vanilla or ICE Cap.  That is the first step in the line of getting on track. I also started looking for  other ways to save money. For example, I do chores at home to lower my rent.  I started to more chores to help out with that. Anyways to save money. I am not looking to be cheap but  pull my expenses and seeing where I stand.  Also going to Vegas but going to watch my spending. Nothing foolish.  The changes have started

Hang on HERE WE GOOOOOOO!!!!

WOW,  shaping up and shipping out. Well maybe not so much of the shipping out, but getting myself back on track for the shaping up portion.   With the snow clearing getting back into the walking game.  Took Jinger the other day and wow  felt the out of shape,  the little walk and by the time I got home my legs were sore!   What if I had done the long walk?  Not sure I would have made it.  Along with the soreness I have noticed things been too tight again.  My pants etc,  so gotta get back into the swing of things, shake off the winter and get back into action.

Work is well going as well as to be excepted  all the tension and stuff happening seems to have settled down for now, although my supervisor is away for nearly a month,  and the other supervisors are  taking over, including the one I DREAD.  UGH.  I am tough I can get through it. 

 Things have been going relatively smoothly,  some ups and downs but just the basic of life for the most part.   I am learning as of recently that people do really come and go, although I would prefer a few more of them to go, but I wont make the first step.  If they  feel  I do not fit in their lives, I understand that, but I wont be the one to take the first step in pushing out. 

 Looking forward to having tomorrow off,  plan on going for a few walks tomorrow with Jinger,  wishing things weren't so went that I could take her through the Ravine, however,  its just a little to wet, and muddy for that have to stay in the neighbourhood for now.   I am thinking of adding a few things to my exercise routine.  Some situps and perhaps push up,  gotta work on the belly area, and legs.  Strength and tone my arms is also another area I am looking to improve upon.  I am getting into the swing of things and I am raring to go!  So  Hang on peeps  HEEERREEEE WEEE GO!

Sabotage

Sabotage

Sabotage is a big thing in my life right now, in many aspects.  I keep saying I am trying to get my life back on track, and I start out alright and then it goes and happens . . . I do it to myself.   People taking about how other people “sabotage” them, well wont lie I have that and doing it to myself.   

 First off I am trying to save to go to Vegas, so here is an idea,  stop spending.  Sure I have the basics covered, the plane trip, the show I want to see,  the hotel etc etc.  But I can’t seem to save for the rest; I need to stop, I need to fully follow my budget.  Its time I stopped living in the fear and paycheck to paycheck.    That’s my first big issue,   the second is I am sabotaging myself physically. 

I watched a show on TV called LOCKED UP: RAW.  One of the things they said on there is that the inmates were totally dedicated to their exercise, and to their health . . . why because their lives depend on it.  This got me thinking, really how is that different then me?   I mean yes they do run the risk of being stabbed in jail, but how that is different then a crazy person on the street deciding to do the same thing? A person doesn’t have to be in jail for their lives to be put at risk.  I look at things and realized, I have stopped trying to take care of myself, I have stopped caring it seems and it’s not a good thing.  I need to be able to take care of myself, my future.   Not caring about myself and my health is not looking out for my future.     I was given a gift, with the surgery I had, and I can’t let it go to waste.  By not taking care of myself that is what I am doing.

Now I know I have had help with the sabotaging, members of my family are not exactly helping with that,  but the blame is not on them but  my own fault.  Where is my will power, my strength?

I guess I just feel stressed,  an excuse to which I wasn’t going to make any but work is driving me crazy.  One of the sups gave me crap this am, because I came early.  I guess a person is not supposed to be at their desks until 15 minutes before they start.  I guess that blows the whole helping out at the beginning of your shift out of the water.   But then again its this supervisor.  He doesn’t seem to want people to talk to each other, to socialize with each other.  They created a new mission statement for us, who says a fun environment, the way they are going; we are not having that fun environment. 

It’s more then that right now, its some people who are just getting to me.  A friend who had talked big about going to Vegas with my best friend and I.  First idea was when she was with her ex.  They split up, but according to her she was still going, tried to talk to her about it but she never said she was or wasn’t going, just didn’t have a lot of money.   I get that, now she has to work and not make everyone else pay her way.  But she never said a word, and yet I am hearing about how she may be going to Mexico, she needs a vacation . . . from what Partying?  Seriously partying is what she does every night. Its why I don’t hear from her any more. With her ex she was stable for the most part, since he was not into that.  She likes to go to the bar and the clubs.  He never cared for it.  Once the split, since I don’t do that, she doesn’t have time for me.  That’s fine, she can go back to the party animal, I don’t need that.    And right now she is not the only one getting on my nerves.  I am tired of hearing things from other people that just rub me wrong.  Maybe everything lately is rubbing me wrong, I am not sure.  I am not a mushy person so some of it is a bit too mushy for me.  UGH.   I don’t mind a little bit of sweetness here and there but there is a limit to it.     

Maybe its just me,  stressed with the sabotaging myself,  maybe I am reflecting it back towards others, maybe I am not so accepting as I use to be.   Maybe I just really need this vacation and for things to start going right for me.  Not entirely sure but it could be a great deal of a number of things.   The main thing I know is its time I stopped sabotaging myself.

Planning and Thinking . . .

Time for another blog,  perhaps better then the last one,  which was kind of rushed and mixed  thoughts throughout it.  

Life . . . Life has been interesting,  its been having its ups and downs.   Today does feel like more of a down, to be honest.   Working on things in  my mind but yet  its getting fuzzy. 

First off is family,  what is a family?  People who are suppose to support you,  be there for you.  You don’t have to like the person, and its understandable why a person may not want to be there for someone who has abused that.  But gets me is the people who were supported even though they were abusive to those being supportive, and have the nerve to state that  the family has not been there for them.  The same family who saved them from eviction,  or helped them moved  or provided furniture for them,  but no,  they seem to think the world still revolves around them.  To the point they disrespect a elder family member for no reason.  Well with this person I had enough a long time ago, and I wont lie, this person and I have always  fought through the years.  People always thought it was childish of us,  and maybe it was,  however  it always burned me up the idea that no one really seen this person for who they were.  It wasn’t until recently when things came to a head that people are finally seeing why I was the way I was.  And as much as that is a good thing it hurts too.

It hurts because   when I was a child, something happened, and it wasn’t until high school that I finally shared things.  Well family took sides with only one person even remotely acting like they supported me.  They all back this individual, leaving me to feel out of place.   I had a hard decision to make at that time,  was taken out of my home for awhile, place with a family member who should have at least tried to attempt some support to me but didn’t.  I had to decide if I wanted to press charges.  Now I am about my family,  I didn’t want to wreck things with my family  or tear it apart as it already was.  I also wanted to give this person a chance to fore fill a dream.  SO I didn’t do it, I just didn’t want or need any more stress (everything was seeming to crash down around me).   So I said no,  I can’t say I regret it or not,  I just don’t know but this person does not know  the bullet that was dodged.   Nor do I think the care is there.  Now  this person and partner  seem to act like the world owes them, and it drives me up the wall.   No, the world doesn’t and its time to stop being lazy  and get off their butts and do something.      But its more then that,  the whole issue of no one believing me;  now the whole family comments on the way they act,  the way he is and how some personal things should be kept private and not shared with the world or facebook,  things like sex toys should not be visual to people who visit their home or  that drivel should not be posted up on a social networking site.  They may not care what people say but since they are linked to others as family members they are not considering how   their garbage is affecting others.  A person tries hard not to be ashamed by a family member but  some people do not seem to help themselves.  But what gets me is now all the signs are there, the whole no one believed me etc, and its so obvious now.  That is what hurts,  I was so alone when things came out,  and then always felt still alone in my own family.  Now that things just seem a bit more obvious,  I still feel it and yet no one is relating back to  back then to  the way this person obviously is.  Its just frustrating to say the least. 

They say for every step forward  in life there is always two steps back,  lately I have been feeling that way,   I feel like yes I have come so far and yet  being pulled right back.  That the past keeps  showing up to laugh at me.

I am strong I can get through anything, but lately just feeling run down. SO much stuff  I want to do, I want to get done,  but just feel stuck.  The basement is still a mess, waiting for it to get fixed,  dad’s been very sick and just want him to get better instead of just watching him waste away.  I haven’t been exercising due to the tiredness, stress and  people who do not shovel, do not want to risk falling and hurting something with my luck.  Issue at work, stress at work, I wont lie, there is a fear going around that we will be losing our jobs,   not by layoffs but by  stupid little reasons.  Three people have already been suspended for things back in October they knew nothing about,  things that they supposedly did wrong but were told now in February they did.  Does that seem fair not really. But when a new manager comes in and decides to out right try and change a culture of a company with out observing and seeing what works, and not working the change in, but out right doing it,  it killed the moral in this place.   A lot of the people I work with are looking to jump ship.  I honestly considered looking for another job but have decided to wait for now until the other stress goes down a little.  Once I know what is going on with my dad, and honestly after my trip, I can’t guarantee I will get the time off I need for my trip and with the tickets already bought and paid for, I can’t afford to not use them.  I guess I just really need that trip,  I need some away time, time to breath.  I think I am going to need to look into the next step in my life,  I need to start paying off things to save up and move out.  I had wanted previously to move out a year after I finish school but that does not look to  be  the case.  I need to start planning this and doing this,  time to take the next big step.

I really do need to do some planning and thinking

Resolutions

Life:

Wow life lately, been throwing a lot at me.  Be trying to be strong, some days easier then others.  I been thinking about writing this blog for a while but really haven’t had the time or energy to do so.  

I have a lot of things jumbled in my head as to what I want to say here today but at this point I do ask you to bare with me. 

 What I was originally going to write about was resolutions.  Now I never make mine January 1,  because I kind of want to see how the year is starting out,  and really have time to think about things,

I have to say I am glad I waited to think about things.  I take a good look at  my life and realized some things that I have been going wrong with and need to get back onto.

One:  Weight loss, I have not been keeping my food records like I use to do.  I am not exercising like I should be.   This has to get back on track.  Time to start exercising and eating properly again.   No more late night meals unless I am working late;  no more unhealthy snacks and I have noticed my portion sizes are getting way to big.

Two:  Spending/Money:  I am working on paying things off  and then I go and do something stupid and buy when I really don’t need to.  And things got worse with my car needing to have repairs this past month.  This was not cheap and depressed me; just when I feel like I am finally getting ahead.

Other things have been going on, the big one being my dad is pretty sick, so its been hard lately, very very hard. It’s like watching him waste away.

Other things going on relate back to my very first post of thank you(s).   

This has grown into so much more to be honest.    And will in the next little bit lead to another blog post but first honestly I need to take time to well calm down.  The whole situation makes me pretty upset and   shocked at how one person can assume the world revolves around them. 

Three:  I need to  put a focus on my life,  get things going again.  Before  when things went down hill I found a goal and focused on it.   Since I finished school I have not done that and its time I started again.

Four:  Try new things, foods events, activities, it doesn’t matter what. Its time to get out of my shell and grow.  Maybe take a cooking class if I could get it around my schedule. Meet new people.

Now all of this seems like whining and it is,  I know it is,  but something over  comes this for me. I did something  the other day that  really  made me feel good and  was for a good cause.  For the first time I donated blood.  I have been wanting to do it for awhile but well, always made an excuse.  This time through work,   at first it was time off the phones so yeah I took it. But now,  now its like  I did a good thing,  something I been wanting to do, so its  a step in the right direction. 

Will right more when my mind clears up a little